Listening to Each Other

Resolving conflict takes more than a hug and,
"I'm sorry." You must listen to each other.

During one of my psychology classes in college, we had to read about a research study on happy marriage

relationships. The one claim that stood out to me, and irritated me for a long time, was that communication wasn’t necessary for a happy marriage. The researcher sited a couple that had been married for more than 50 years, and both described their relationship as being happy. The researcher observed that the couple didn’t talk very much and they acknowledged that they never held really long discussions.

What bothered me about this conclusion was the inference that all communication must come from the mouth. We say a lot with body language. I know pretty quickly after I walk in the door what kind of day my wife and kids are having, even if no one is talking or telling me about the day.

Especially when it comes to expressing feelings, not everyone does it through poems or elaborate orations. Some people just want to be close, while others want to buy things for the people they love. In a future post I want to discuss this more, but for now I think most of us know someone, or many people, that have a hard time expressing their feelings.

If you are married to someone like that, you have to listen a lot more closely.

When it’s hard to listen

I’d like to focus on when it’s hard to listen. Most of us are very happy listening to our spouse or kids when they are happy and sharing their love for us. It’s a lot more difficult to really listen when there is an argument. Just like muscles, relationships get stronger when we work through the struggles. Here are some rules for discussing problems. (I got these from a marriage class my wife and I took through the University of Idaho Extension. This is not the full list, just some highlights.)

·         Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready. However, the conversation may not happen if you don’t set a time, so have a goal you both will agree to keep.

·         Stay on Topic. If needed, write down your points of view and keep them in front of you. Bringing up the past will only open old wounds and destroy trust. If it doesn’t directly apply to the topic at hand, leave it for another discussion.

·         Don’t use violence, threaten, or use offensive language. All of these are tactics to belittle and hurt the other person. If resolution is what you are after, force isn’t going to get you there.

·         Seek to understand instead of argue. This requires you to listen and try to understand their point of view. Don’t plan your rebuttal while your spouse is talking. Give her a chance to speak and pay attention to what she has to say.

When it’s hard to talk

I want to expand the first point a little farther. Expressing how one feels is not easy for some people. For various reasons, some people have a hard time opening up. As a partner in your relationship, it’s important that you share what hurts as well as what feels good. I’m not talking about playing the blame game. I mean stating how you have been affected by something that happened. For example: It hurt my feelings that you decided to go play golf with your friend instead of helping me clean the garage.

You may need to do what Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great suggests. Get in the habit of taking 10 minutes to talk to each other about things other than work, family, what needs to get done or the relationship. This will help strengthen your marriage and your communication skills so you will be better prepared to talk during the hard times.

It’s important to talk when you are hurt because the other person may not even know what’s bothering you. What’s obvious to you may not even be considered relevant to the other person. I can’t change if I don’t know what I did wrong. Since we all come from different backgrounds, you can’t assume that everyone knows what’s appropriate or “right” in a marriage.

Sometimes you don’t want to hear what the other person is saying, and sometime you are worried about sharing something that is bothering you. But it’s in these difficult times that we grow stronger as individuals and as couples.

If you can listen to the problem, you might be part of the solution.

Next week: Dealing with Anger