I love my sister Amy. In our family, she is number 7 of
10 children, while I am the caboose. Since
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| Here are our kids with cousins Rachel and Dara, during one of Amy's family's recent visits. |
For many years, due to distance and our involvement in separate
pursuits, our relationship never really got any stronger. I still loved her; I
just didn’t really know her that well.
Over the last four years, I feel like we have grown
closer and developed a better relationship. We still live more than 200 miles apart
and see each other only half a dozen times a year, but I know her better than I
ever did before. I’ve learned a few things in the process that I think can be
applied to all relationships to make them stronger.
Make an effort
One of the funny things about family relationships is
that we spend so much time around each other that we can get on each other’s
nerves and see the worst side of each other. We’re on our best behavior in
front of friends and coworkers, but don’t hold back around our family. I think
we need a place to go and not worry about status or social pretenses, but I
also don’t think we need to lash out at our family. We can be good to our
family and this may take effort … a herculean effort for some. It’s worth it
though.
Think about it this way, sometimes we treat our family
badly because we feel they are stuck with us. We feel like we can say anything
because they can’t leave us. Our family can leave us, but usually it’s a little
bit at a time. If we make an effort to build a relationship of love and
respect, we will receive dividends from that relationship for a long time to
come. It all starts with commitment. Are you committed to a strong family unit?
If so be ready to put in the effort.
Give them time
I don’t know of any lasting relationships that don’t take
time. There may be love at first site, but lasting love takes
time. I was immediately enamored the first time I saw my wife, but my love grew
with each date, conversation and decision that we made together. Now that we
have kids and lots of responsibilities, we have to make time for us. When we
don’t our relationship gets strained.
When we moved to Kansas City, the three-hour drive to see
Amy was long and it didn’t happen very often. But we made good use of
opportunities to see her when we could and each visit showed a commitment of
time in the relationship, which she has returned by visiting us. It’s hard to know someone you don’t visit or talk to.
A song I like by Josh Groban says, “Time is love. Gotta Run. Love to
hang out longer, but I got someone who waits for me, and right now she’s where
I need to be. Time is love. Gotta run. Gotta fly, before one more moment gets
by.” How we spend our time, is an expression of what’s important to us. Are you
giving your family some of your time?
Be interested in
what they do
I ran my first half marathon because of my sister
Barbara. I ran my first marathon because of my sister Amy. She was training for
a marathon and asked if I wanted to run with her. I wasn’t willing to spend $80
on registration and then invest more in shoes and running gear on my own. But
when she wanted me to run with her, I thought it would be fun and worthwhile to
do something with my sister.
When I try to get the kids to play what I want to play,
it’s not as fun as when I follow their lead and play what they want to play.
Conversely, it meant a lot to me to have my dad become my basketball coach in
second grade, especially because I knew he didn’t have a lot of time.
Basketball was my idea (as far as I can recall) and he wanted to support me in
it. Do you know what your kids/parents are excited about?
Listen with love
A family therapist I just heard speak at a convention
said, “Have a meal with your family at least once a week, and don’t try to
lecture or preach to them. Just talk to them about your day, and let them feel
safe and comfortable to share about their day. Tell them about the things that
you’re excited about and listen to them when they talk.”
Dinner can include meaningful conversations, but don’t
stress if your kids don’t want to have deep conversations or have a therapy session
at the dinner table. We are trying to teach our kids to take turns and not interrupt.
Each gets a turn to share their “guess what’s” and other silly stories … as
long as there is some eating going on. I think eating together once a week is
not good enough to establish good strong lines of communication and love, but
it’s a start. Daily conversation about simple things will make difficult
conversations easier. They know you will listen and you will understand them
better because you have been listening. Can you listen to a full story without
butting in or multitasking?
Next week: What makes a healthy home?
