Improving family relationships

I love my sister Amy. In our family, she is number 7 of 10 children, while I am the caboose. Since

Here are our kids with cousins Rachel and Dara,
during one of Amy's family's recent visits.

there are a few years between us, some of my earliest memories with Amy revolve around her “coaching” me about basketball outside our home in south Texas. While there are many good memories, I don’t know that I felt very close to her or many of the siblings older than her due to the age difference. (The oldest is a different story, but that’s because she was like a second mother to me.)

For many years, due to distance and our involvement in separate pursuits, our relationship never really got any stronger. I still loved her; I just didn’t really know her that well.

Over the last four years, I feel like we have grown closer and developed a better relationship. We still live more than 200 miles apart and see each other only half a dozen times a year, but I know her better than I ever did before. I’ve learned a few things in the process that I think can be applied to all relationships to make them stronger.  

Make an effort

One of the funny things about family relationships is that we spend so much time around each other that we can get on each other’s nerves and see the worst side of each other. We’re on our best behavior in front of friends and coworkers, but don’t hold back around our family. I think we need a place to go and not worry about status or social pretenses, but I also don’t think we need to lash out at our family. We can be good to our family and this may take effort … a herculean effort for some. It’s worth it though.

Think about it this way, sometimes we treat our family badly because we feel they are stuck with us. We feel like we can say anything because they can’t leave us. Our family can leave us, but usually it’s a little bit at a time. If we make an effort to build a relationship of love and respect, we will receive dividends from that relationship for a long time to come. It all starts with commitment. Are you committed to a strong family unit? If so be ready to put in the effort.

Give them time

I don’t know of any lasting relationships that don’t take time. There may be love at first site, but lasting love takes time. I was immediately enamored the first time I saw my wife, but my love grew with each date, conversation and decision that we made together. Now that we have kids and lots of responsibilities, we have to make time for us. When we don’t our relationship gets strained.

When we moved to Kansas City, the three-hour drive to see Amy was long and it didn’t happen very often. But we made good use of opportunities to see her when we could and each visit showed a commitment of time in the relationship, which she has returned by visiting us. It’s hard to know someone you don’t visit or talk to.

A song I like by Josh Groban says, “Time is love. Gotta Run. Love to hang out longer, but I got someone who waits for me, and right now she’s where I need to be. Time is love. Gotta run. Gotta fly, before one more moment gets by.” How we spend our time, is an expression of what’s important to us. Are you giving your family some of your time?

Be interested in what they do

I ran my first half marathon because of my sister Barbara. I ran my first marathon because of my sister Amy. She was training for a marathon and asked if I wanted to run with her. I wasn’t willing to spend $80 on registration and then invest more in shoes and running gear on my own. But when she wanted me to run with her, I thought it would be fun and worthwhile to do something with my sister.

When I try to get the kids to play what I want to play, it’s not as fun as when I follow their lead and play what they want to play. Conversely, it meant a lot to me to have my dad become my basketball coach in second grade, especially because I knew he didn’t have a lot of time. Basketball was my idea (as far as I can recall) and he wanted to support me in it. Do you know what your kids/parents are excited about?

Listen with love

A family therapist I just heard speak at a convention said, “Have a meal with your family at least once a week, and don’t try to lecture or preach to them. Just talk to them about your day, and let them feel safe and comfortable to share about their day. Tell them about the things that you’re excited about and listen to them when they talk.”

Dinner can include meaningful conversations, but don’t stress if your kids don’t want to have deep conversations or have a therapy session at the dinner table. We are trying to teach our kids to take turns and not interrupt. Each gets a turn to share their “guess what’s” and other silly stories … as long as there is some eating going on. I think eating together once a week is not good enough to establish good strong lines of communication and love, but it’s a start. Daily conversation about simple things will make difficult conversations easier. They know you will listen and you will understand them better because you have been listening. Can you listen to a full story without butting in or multitasking?

Next week: What makes a healthy home?

Family Traditions

What makes holidays, birthdays and any other significant day on your calendar different from the other days of the week? Traditions.

The Christmas tree can be a beautiful tradition,
especially when you teach the symbolism
behind it and the various decorations.

This was particularly clear to me when I lived in Korea for two years. Korea had been a Buddhist dominant culture for many centuries. Christianity had only become a significant part of their civilization in the last fifty years or so. To this day, I think only half of the people consider themselves Christian. So as you can imagine, Christmas was not as big a holiday as it was here in the US. Easter was the same way.

The Fourth of July, the fourth Thursday in November and many other holidays were understandably not celebrated because they hold no significance for the Korean people.

They do have a Chinese New Year, and their own Day of Harvest celebration, which were big holidays. Each was complete with special foods prepared just for the occasion. They would have games, songs, and stories they tell on those days. And best of all, they would spend the day with their families. Sound familiar?

Why are Traditions Important?

No matter where you live, traditions play an important part in our lives. For example:

·         With all the changes a new college student goes through, their first Thanksgiving or Christmas back is usually really special. It reminds them of years before and reestablishes a familiar element in their world of change and often instability.

·         For newlyweds trying to figure out their own traditions, they can decide together what traditions they will keep. It can be a union of the best concepts and practices from both families. They can create their own traditions that are important to them. This is part of establishing their own identity as a new family.

·         For more established families, traditions offer an opportunity to teach. Parents can discuss how they observe that holiday and the reasons behind the traditions. Traditions help teach kids about reverence, honor and beliefs.

The traditions I remember best were centered around family. I would run with my dad on Thanksgiving morning. I loved the noisy conversation around our Thanksgiving feast. I cherished singing Christmas songs around the piano with my family. I looked forward to playing games through the night with my family on New Year’s Eve.

These events and many others helped develop strong family ties that continue to be strong today. I want those ties to be equally strong for the next generation, so Catie and I are creating or continuing family centered traditions for our family.

Traditions are a great way to teach our family. When we take time to discuss why we celebrate Thanksgiving and then discuss what we are thankful for, we help teach our kids to be grateful. When we focus our Christmas traditions around Christ, we teach our kids to focus on Christ and not on Santa. When we focus on Christ at Easter, we teach our kids to hope for Salvation because the Tomb was empty.

The opposite is true too. If we center all of our traditions on whimsical ideas, we shouldn’t be surprised when our kids are disappointed by those traditions in the future. (Just wanted to throw that out as food for thought.)

Everyday Traditions

Traditions don’t just apply to holidays. Sabbath observance can be a tradition in a way. In the Ten Commandments, the Lord said to keep the Sabbath holy. The Jews then created a long list of laws and rules for the Sabbath. Nowadays, what we do on the Sabbath each week is largely up to us. For my family growing up, we went to church, spent time together as a family and mostly kept the TV off. We often wore our “Sunday best” all day to help us remember what day it was. We also had a tradition of reading the scriptures and praying together as a family each day. The overriding lesson I learned through all of this was that God and family are so important we set aside time each day and then a whole day each week to spend with them.

Now Catie and I are trying to establish our own traditions. We travel to see family. We tell the story of Pilgrims at Thanksgiving and count our blessings. We focus on Christ and emphasis that Santa’s giving is a symbol of the gifts the wise men brought to the Christ Child. We read the scriptures and pray together every day. We want the traditions we keep to reflect our values.

What traditions do you remember best from your youth? What are your favorite traditions now?

Next week: Christ in Christmas

Listening to Each Other

Resolving conflict takes more than a hug and,
"I'm sorry." You must listen to each other.

During one of my psychology classes in college, we had to read about a research study on happy marriage

relationships. The one claim that stood out to me, and irritated me for a long time, was that communication wasn’t necessary for a happy marriage. The researcher sited a couple that had been married for more than 50 years, and both described their relationship as being happy. The researcher observed that the couple didn’t talk very much and they acknowledged that they never held really long discussions.

What bothered me about this conclusion was the inference that all communication must come from the mouth. We say a lot with body language. I know pretty quickly after I walk in the door what kind of day my wife and kids are having, even if no one is talking or telling me about the day.

Especially when it comes to expressing feelings, not everyone does it through poems or elaborate orations. Some people just want to be close, while others want to buy things for the people they love. In a future post I want to discuss this more, but for now I think most of us know someone, or many people, that have a hard time expressing their feelings.

If you are married to someone like that, you have to listen a lot more closely.

When it’s hard to listen

I’d like to focus on when it’s hard to listen. Most of us are very happy listening to our spouse or kids when they are happy and sharing their love for us. It’s a lot more difficult to really listen when there is an argument. Just like muscles, relationships get stronger when we work through the struggles. Here are some rules for discussing problems. (I got these from a marriage class my wife and I took through the University of Idaho Extension. This is not the full list, just some highlights.)

·         Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready. However, the conversation may not happen if you don’t set a time, so have a goal you both will agree to keep.

·         Stay on Topic. If needed, write down your points of view and keep them in front of you. Bringing up the past will only open old wounds and destroy trust. If it doesn’t directly apply to the topic at hand, leave it for another discussion.

·         Don’t use violence, threaten, or use offensive language. All of these are tactics to belittle and hurt the other person. If resolution is what you are after, force isn’t going to get you there.

·         Seek to understand instead of argue. This requires you to listen and try to understand their point of view. Don’t plan your rebuttal while your spouse is talking. Give her a chance to speak and pay attention to what she has to say.

When it’s hard to talk

I want to expand the first point a little farther. Expressing how one feels is not easy for some people. For various reasons, some people have a hard time opening up. As a partner in your relationship, it’s important that you share what hurts as well as what feels good. I’m not talking about playing the blame game. I mean stating how you have been affected by something that happened. For example: It hurt my feelings that you decided to go play golf with your friend instead of helping me clean the garage.

You may need to do what Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great suggests. Get in the habit of taking 10 minutes to talk to each other about things other than work, family, what needs to get done or the relationship. This will help strengthen your marriage and your communication skills so you will be better prepared to talk during the hard times.

It’s important to talk when you are hurt because the other person may not even know what’s bothering you. What’s obvious to you may not even be considered relevant to the other person. I can’t change if I don’t know what I did wrong. Since we all come from different backgrounds, you can’t assume that everyone knows what’s appropriate or “right” in a marriage.

Sometimes you don’t want to hear what the other person is saying, and sometime you are worried about sharing something that is bothering you. But it’s in these difficult times that we grow stronger as individuals and as couples.

If you can listen to the problem, you might be part of the solution.

Next week: Dealing with Anger

Building a Stable Home

While I was dating my future wife in college, and our relationship progressed toward marriage, I started

Life is tough, but with a stable home, kids
can learn from those bumps.

thinking about the future. I had seen many marriages end in divorce and I didn’t want that to happen to me and my future family. So I asked for advice from a man I respected, whom I knew had been happily married for longer than I had been alive, and had successfully navigated financial, health and emotional struggles with his wife.

“So dad, how did you know you should marry mom?” I asked one evening. “What was it about her that convinced you she would be a lasting companion for you.”

“One thing I really respected about your mom was her emotional stability,” he responded. “I knew we needed that in our home.”

He also said that she had strengths where he had weaknesses, and vice versa. Like complementary colors, their strengths and weaknesses helped to create a stable home for me and my 9 siblings. Coincidentally, it was when I realized that my wife’s strengths would help strengthen my weaknesses that I knew I wanted to marry her.

Parental Balance

 In the years that followed, I learned that in order to make a stable home, it’s not enough to completely divide duties based on existing strengths. Sure it would be easy to say, ‘you are so good at cleaning the dishes, much better than me, so I’ll let you do it.’ Or one might be tempted to say, ‘I’m much better with the money, I’ll balance the checkbook and let you know what we can spend.’

Balance doesn’t come from conceding or taking control because of strengths, it comes as those with strength help the other develop strength. When we help someone grow, we grow too.

Another quick story, one day my dad was trying to get all our camping stuff to fit on a newly built shelf. We had more stuff than shelf and my dad and I were trying to figure out the puzzle. (Actually, I was more watching and providing moral support rather than moving anything, but I digress.) My dad is very analytical and thorough in his thought process. Even though his hands weren’t moving, I could see his mind working with the shapes and trying to figure out a solution. 

After some time, my mom came out and asked how it was going. After a brief explanation of little hope of getting all the stuff to fit, my mom suggested something obvious. My dad responded that he had tried it and even went through the trouble of trying it again while she stood there, explaining the problem that still remained. My mom was gifted with thinking outside the box and suggested something that I was sure wouldn’t work. I dismissed it and almost said as much but then my dad made a comment that showed he actually considered it. This led to him eventually figuring out how to solve his problem. 

I can’t tell you how many times I saw this happen but the pattern was consistent. Here is the simple pattern:

·         Dad analyzed the situation, worked on a problem (His strength).

·         If unsuccessful, mom would join and offer a solution, sometimes before fully understanding the problem (mother of 10, you can imagine she didn’t have time to look at every angle before needing to find a solution).

·         Dad respectfully acknowledged her suggestion, explained more details and continued to think about the problem.

·         Mom would help him think of another solution, one perhaps he wouldn’t have thought of because she took a different approach (her strength).

·         Dad and mom came to a good conclusion that solved the problem.

This seems easy, but I know practice is harder. Consider the frustration when a problem you have been working on seems insurmountable. Then to have someone, even a spouse, come and offer a solution that’s obvious. It’s easier to vent frustration at that person then to acknowledge their desire to help you. However, when we treat others with respect and love, we keep things in perspective and find solutions. Another reason we need to help each other improve is because the one with the strength may not always be around. When it’s dad’s duty to put the kids to bed because mom is not home, mom’s patience won’t help. Dad needs his own patience.

Effects of a Stable Home

Have you ever watched a movie that was constantly changing main characters? If you have you probably don’t remember what the movie was trying to convey, or have any attachment to any of the characters.

Or have you ever worked for a person that always changed the standards by which you were measured or the goals you were working for? If so, you probably found it hard to succeed because of the fluctuation of circumstances in your work.

So it’s not hard to imagine why divorce and uninvolved, inconsistent parents make it hard for kids to grow up to be committed, responsible adults.

Claire Kamp Dush, assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University, authored a study evaluating the development of kids in single and married homes. She found that kids who grew up in stable homes, married or single, fared better than kids that had unstable home lives. Even behavior problems were significantly less for kids in stable homes than unstable homes, regardless of race. Kamp Dush said that cognitive stimulation and emotional support were the only consistent advantages for children in married stable homes.

I’d say those are important benefits. I also say that it’s hard to establish a stable home when you are relying only on your strengths and weaknesses. You don’t have someone to help you improve and grow.

God gave Adam an help meet. I think that was to help them grow more than it was to help the garden grow. Together they grew and together they raised kids.

Next week: Listening to Each Other

Marriage = More than I Do’s

Me on my wedding day. Yes, I can fly.
"When you are the wind beneath my wings."

One night, after my wife and I had a disagreement, I came to an important realization: It doesn’t matter who started it or is at fault, I need to say, “I’m sorry.” This little nugget, though hard to follow at times, has helped us get through many problems. I find it really easy to feel justified in my cause and ready to stand up for myself, only to find out that I am standing in the way of progress in our relationship.

At marriage we often think of the wonderful times ahead. Not all wedding vows are the same, but I imagine most of them have a couple phrases in there about sticking together in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. When push comes to shove, sickness, poverty and other common problems tend to strain marital bonds and even break some.

My wife and I have only been married for seven and a half years. I am well aware I am not qualified to give marital advice. So I will start by saying I am leaning on the experience and wisdom of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B. Hinckley. I have quoted him before, and I think his book, “Standing For Something” is very useful, especially in our current times. (I am not affiliated or reimbursed for mentioning his book, it’s just really good.)

Mr. Hinckley outlines four cornerstones to a strong marriage, the explanations are my own. Marriage is the foundation for the family, so strengthening marriage will strengthen the family.

1. Mutual respect and loyalty to one another

I don’t know too many people that would disagree with this principle in theory. The practice is a little more difficult to agree on, especially in the heat of the moment. Do you belittle the other when you disagree with each other? Do you push a button because you know it will upset him/her? Do you vent frustrations with friends or family after an argument? Do you discount their opinion because they don’t know as much as you? Do you hold a grudge against your spouse for past arguments or deeds?

Each of those questions is either an aspect of respect or loyalty, or both. And our kids will follow suit. If parent’s have genuine respect for each other and are loyal to each other, they will know how to act in their marriage and with their parents. Saying I’m sorry, means I respect you enough to admit I was wrong. It also shows that you are loyal to the vows you made at the wedding ceremony.

2. The soft answer
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When two people get to know each other, they learn a lot about what will really upset the other. I wish every couple resolved never to use this knowledge against each other. Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. This is very applicable in marriage. Saying I’m sorry, instead of trying to win the argument, will allow tempers to settle and resolution become more feasible. It’s hard to work out a solution when you’re on the offensive.

3. Financial Honesty

Finances are a personal matter and each couple needs to agree on how they will handle finances for their family. Once they agree, they both need to adhere to that plan. Money can be a devastating thing in a marriage. When managed and put in perspective, it is a necessary tool in life.

4. Prayer

I have always treated my marriage as a three-way covenant between God, my wife and me. When God is an integral part of each day, as an individual and as a couple, you forge an even stronger bond as husband and wife. Pray for guidance, pray for help, pray for forgiveness, and combine your faith in Christ to stay happily married.

Mr. Hinckley shared the following quote in an article in 1999.

“Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort for your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another. Be excellent in every way.”

This is a poem I thought I would share. I wrote it for my wife just a couple months after we got married. It’s still true and I expect it will always be true, because I want to cherish her forever.

No sunset's glory, nor day dawn's view,

Could match the majesty found in you.

Every thoughtless glance in my direction,

Seems, with my heart, to make connection.

Your every wish is to me a command,

For I would risk it all to win your hand.

Even when we are miles apart,

You will always be in my heart.

Blissful laughter, abounding love and care,

Are some of the reasons for the love we share.

Next week:  Involving the family in service

Family Virtues – Thrift and Industry

My daughter and I work on planting flowers
in front of our house.

I am the youngest of 10 children. My siblings joke that I got everything. I did get everything, right after they grew out of it or didn’t use it anymore. Hand-me-downs and left overs were common fair growing up. While I was not oblivious to our situation – my friends often asked me to come to their houses because they had better toys – I didn’t feel cheated or unfortunate. There was always something to do, work to be done and family around.

Thrift

At least initially, thrift brings to mind pinching pennies and hording money instead of having fun on a whim. While that may be the case, thrift can also mean creativity and patience. Let me explain.

One day when I was probably 11 or 12, I wanted to build an extensive wildlife model for my expert project. I was going to present to my class about big cats (lions and tigers and leopards, oh my!). I wanted to have a really cool show-and-tell to make my presentation awesome. I had the cat figurines, but I needed to make the rest of it. My mom was great when it came to encouraging my creativity. If I said I wanted to fly to the moon, her response would have been, “OK, let’s see how we can make that happen.”  Then she would help me come up with ways to create my own adventure.

With this project I wanted everything to look authentic, so I wasn’t really excited about going outside and collecting the branches, sand, and rocks to recreate my scenery. I thought to myself, can’t we go to the store and buy some cool scenery to help with this project, instead of dumping dirt in a cardboard box. However, I knew that wasn’t necessary and as we looked at pictures and put the model scenery together, I was even more excited about my project.

We see all around us the woes of people and organizations that can’t spell budget, much less live by one. Girls and boys who grow up saving, planning and creating with what they have, will know how to live within their means later in life. Those boys and girls will know that money doesn’t solve problems, but is a resource to be used wisely.

Children that learn to save and be thrifty will learn patience, goal setting, self-reliance and even creativity (if they try to do more with less). We could use a lot more of that in our society.

Industry

Work is a four-letter word, but it’s a good one. A family that works together has a strong future. They not only will provide for their own needs, but they will establish habits that will bless their lives, and future generations, for years to come.

I always admired my dad’s work ethic. He never seemed to quit. The sun quit long before he did, so he brought out lights so he could keep on working. In my early teen years, I considered it a great accomplishment if I could outlast my dad in working outside.

His example also taught me to learn and apply that knowledge to overcome obstacles in life, whether it’s car troubles, acquiring skills or just persevering when times got tough. I know when I need to pay an expert, but even then I ask questions and try to find ways I can work out my own problems.

We’ve all heard the saying: Give a man a fish and he will get hungry again. Teach a man to fish and he will never go hungry. Parents are responsible for teaching their children to fish. Boys and girls should know how to work and even find joy in their labor.

My niece pitches in to dig a trench for a sprinkler system.

Work is empowering and builds confidence. Work will also help them get through tough times, because it gives them something to focus on rather than self-pity and will lead them to a solution. Our great nation was built with hard work, and has survived disaster through hard work. Don’t let your family be a stranger to industry.

In his autobiography, Benjamin Franklin summarized well the importance of thrift and industry. He said:

“Waste neither time nor money, but make the best use of both. He that gets all he can honestly, and saves all he gets (necessary expenses excepted) will certainly become rich; if that Being who governs the world, to whom all should look for a blessing on their honest endeavors, doth not in his wise providence otherwise determine.”

God will richly bless families that save and work together with more than just worldly wealth. In the parable of the talents, the servants that put the money to good use and worked hard were given more. The one who hid his money and didn’t put it to good use, was scolded for being slothful and had his talent taken away. The first two servants not only became rulers of many things, they also gained knowledge no one can take away.

Next Week: Family Virtues – Optimism