Improving family relationships

I love my sister Amy. In our family, she is number 7 of 10 children, while I am the caboose. Since

Here are our kids with cousins Rachel and Dara,
during one of Amy's family's recent visits.

there are a few years between us, some of my earliest memories with Amy revolve around her “coaching” me about basketball outside our home in south Texas. While there are many good memories, I don’t know that I felt very close to her or many of the siblings older than her due to the age difference. (The oldest is a different story, but that’s because she was like a second mother to me.)

For many years, due to distance and our involvement in separate pursuits, our relationship never really got any stronger. I still loved her; I just didn’t really know her that well.

Over the last four years, I feel like we have grown closer and developed a better relationship. We still live more than 200 miles apart and see each other only half a dozen times a year, but I know her better than I ever did before. I’ve learned a few things in the process that I think can be applied to all relationships to make them stronger.  

Make an effort

One of the funny things about family relationships is that we spend so much time around each other that we can get on each other’s nerves and see the worst side of each other. We’re on our best behavior in front of friends and coworkers, but don’t hold back around our family. I think we need a place to go and not worry about status or social pretenses, but I also don’t think we need to lash out at our family. We can be good to our family and this may take effort … a herculean effort for some. It’s worth it though.

Think about it this way, sometimes we treat our family badly because we feel they are stuck with us. We feel like we can say anything because they can’t leave us. Our family can leave us, but usually it’s a little bit at a time. If we make an effort to build a relationship of love and respect, we will receive dividends from that relationship for a long time to come. It all starts with commitment. Are you committed to a strong family unit? If so be ready to put in the effort.

Give them time

I don’t know of any lasting relationships that don’t take time. There may be love at first site, but lasting love takes time. I was immediately enamored the first time I saw my wife, but my love grew with each date, conversation and decision that we made together. Now that we have kids and lots of responsibilities, we have to make time for us. When we don’t our relationship gets strained.

When we moved to Kansas City, the three-hour drive to see Amy was long and it didn’t happen very often. But we made good use of opportunities to see her when we could and each visit showed a commitment of time in the relationship, which she has returned by visiting us. It’s hard to know someone you don’t visit or talk to.

A song I like by Josh Groban says, “Time is love. Gotta Run. Love to hang out longer, but I got someone who waits for me, and right now she’s where I need to be. Time is love. Gotta run. Gotta fly, before one more moment gets by.” How we spend our time, is an expression of what’s important to us. Are you giving your family some of your time?

Be interested in what they do

I ran my first half marathon because of my sister Barbara. I ran my first marathon because of my sister Amy. She was training for a marathon and asked if I wanted to run with her. I wasn’t willing to spend $80 on registration and then invest more in shoes and running gear on my own. But when she wanted me to run with her, I thought it would be fun and worthwhile to do something with my sister.

When I try to get the kids to play what I want to play, it’s not as fun as when I follow their lead and play what they want to play. Conversely, it meant a lot to me to have my dad become my basketball coach in second grade, especially because I knew he didn’t have a lot of time. Basketball was my idea (as far as I can recall) and he wanted to support me in it. Do you know what your kids/parents are excited about?

Listen with love

A family therapist I just heard speak at a convention said, “Have a meal with your family at least once a week, and don’t try to lecture or preach to them. Just talk to them about your day, and let them feel safe and comfortable to share about their day. Tell them about the things that you’re excited about and listen to them when they talk.”

Dinner can include meaningful conversations, but don’t stress if your kids don’t want to have deep conversations or have a therapy session at the dinner table. We are trying to teach our kids to take turns and not interrupt. Each gets a turn to share their “guess what’s” and other silly stories … as long as there is some eating going on. I think eating together once a week is not good enough to establish good strong lines of communication and love, but it’s a start. Daily conversation about simple things will make difficult conversations easier. They know you will listen and you will understand them better because you have been listening. Can you listen to a full story without butting in or multitasking?

Next week: What makes a healthy home?

Putting Christ in Christmas

When we try to follow the Wonderful Counselor, we learn
the wisdom of His ways.

I love Christmas. I loved it as a child and I love it now.  There was a time when I was a teenager that Christmas was not very exciting or magical. I needed to rediscover what Christmas meant.

I’m not sure exactly the age when I started to feel empty at Christmas, but I know it was when most of my siblings were gone and Santa was a distant memory. I didn’t have anything to look forward to, and my Christmas list became more and more expensive, therefore, less and less of my list appeared on Christmas morning. It’s not that I didn’t like Christmas, I just wasn’t looking forward to it like I once had. I felt empty.

I remember asking myself, ‘what’s wrong with me? I should be happy at Christmas.’ As the years passed and I matured, I started to understand the problem wasn’t that my desires weren’t being met. It’s that my desires were completely selfish. It’s not that my parents weren’t providing for me or loving me. The problem was that I was not loving others or helping others like I should. I was so focused on me that I forgot Christ in Christmas. I was celebrating “MEmas!”

I never stopped believing in Christ. So it’s not that I forgot the story behind Christmas and its origins. I knew Luke 2 well and could tell anyone what happened that incredible night in Bethlehem. So why was I not finding joy at Christmas?

A Son is Given

Like I said, the problem was that I was self-centered, not Christ-centered. And part of the problem was that I only looked forward to the presents. As a child, it seemed like anything was possible on Christmas. I could get anything. (I’m not sure why we don’t have that same feeling on our birthdays, but I think it might be because a magical man in a red suit isn’t giving us birthday presents, but I digress.)

I was missing the fact that the best gift ever given was the Christ child. I did not appreciate what his life and resurrection meant for mankind and our eternal salvation. I still don’t fully appreciate it, but if I understand it a little better each year, Christmas will always bring me joy.

Now I try to figure out something I can give to Him. He doesn’t need gold or precious oils. Christ wants a humble heart and willing mind.

Wonderful Counselor

Christmas no longer felt empty when I focused on making Christmas special for others. I think that’s part of why Christmas is fun for parents, because we are focused on doing something special for our kids. Because we are celebrating the Saviors birth and life, we should spend time doing what he would do; serving others, visiting the sick and helping those in need.

For the last couple years, we have put up a small manger in our living room. We tell the kids a story about a family that tries to make the manger soft for Jesus through service. In the story, the family would draw a family member’s name and try to do an act of service for that person. Each act of service let them put a straw in the manger. Then by Christmas, Jesus will have a soft bed to sleep in. We practice a modified version of this tradition. Our kids are still small, so we have to help them recognize opportunities to serve, so Catie and I just try to point out service opportunities. They are excited about making a soft bed for Jesus and now the service is natural. They forget to put in the straw most of the time.

The funny thing about helping others is that it helps the giver as well as the receiver. When I spend a couple hours at the food bank, I feel more grateful for what I have and more compassionate for those who need the food bank. When I take time to shovel someone’s driveway, I feel love joy in helping someone. When I call up someone I know is sick and ask how they are doing, I feel more gratitude for my health and compassion for a friend.

These acts and feelings bring us closer to Christ. When we try to follow the Wonderful Counselor’s example, we learn the wisdom of His ways.

The Prince of Peace

Now that I have peace and joy at Christmas (most of the time), I am trying to teach this to my kids. It’s not that Santa is a bad thing, we just try to downplay his role. We try to emphasis Christ’s story and why it’s important. We try to learn from his life and what he did. We spend time talking about the symbols of Christmas and how they can remind us of Christ.

I don’t want my kids to feel empty on Christmas. I believe the best way to do that is fill them with the best news the world has ever received.

“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.”

His life and love can fill us and our families with peace if we will learn of Him and follow Him. How you reach that goal in your family is up to you, but I do hope you make that the goal this year and every year.

Merry Christmas!

Next week: Improving family relationships

Little Prayers of Gratitude

Our oldest absolutely adores the new addition to our family.
The boys love her too. We say little prayers of gratitude for
all of them every day.

Catie was pregnant with our fourth child. This would be the fourth child in 6 years (all planned and loved, but a handful none-the-less). This pregnancy has been harder than the other three. The sickness lasting longer, sleep eluding her more frequently towards the end and energy almost nonexistent at times.

All of this was taking a toll physically and mentally. Her apprehension growing as the due date drew nearer. She dreaded the pain she knew was coming, and even began questioning whether she was prepared to go through it all and the sleepless nights that would follow.

This buildup of stress, tension and worry not only affected Catie, but how she treated others. Her relationships with the kids were strained and not as full as normal. She was irritated quickly; no patience for young energetic boys prone to be loud and slightly destructive.

Two weeks before our little girl came into our family, Catie bravely faced the situation and decided she needed to change. She prayed for help, for something she could do to gain control and find happiness in the new life that would be joining our family. As is often the case, God answered her prayer through small and simple means.

Catie read a blog post by a woman that gave little prayers of gratitude throughout the day, which helped her see the blessings more easily. This helped the woman stay positive and happier. So Catie decided to give it a try. She would offer her normal prayers, but added little prayers of gratitude throughout the day. She noticed the sunshine and thanked God for it. She watched our kids laugh with each other, and offered a prayer of thanks. She quietly thanked God for the kind words of a friend.

What she realized after a few weeks was that her capacity to deal with her struggles was enlarged. She felt loved. She felt stronger because she was recognizing all the times God was helping her. Catie was feeling happiness because she was taking the time to see and acknowledge the joy already in her life. Now that our baby is born, Catie continues to say little prayers of gratitude, even for a three hour stretch of sleep during the night.

I recently read a very good book by Jeff Goins called The In-Betweens. He chronicles some of the experiences in his life that taught him this important principle. He encourages the reader to slow down, live in the moment and enjoy what God has already done in your life. Instead of waiting to be happy when you get to the next big thing, he suggests you embrace life as it’s happening. Often this means slowing down, and enjoying the people around you. Waiting isn’t a bad thing. Maybe it’s in those times when you must wait, that you should offer up a little prayer of gratitude.

Next week: Importance of Family Traditions

I don’t receive any compensation for this mention of Jeff’s book. I did get to meet him once in Tennessee and have enjoyed his blog. It’s an insightful book and worth your time and money if you are intrigued by what I have shared. He is a very good writer.

Dealing with Anger

We may never be able to stop getting angry,
but we don't have to let our anger control us.

I have a question that might seem obvious, but I want you to think about it.

Can you live free from Anger?

Now you might be thinking, “Anger is an emotion and we all feel anger. So the answer is obviously, No.”

To that I say, read the question again and think about it’s really asking. I’ll give you a second to read it again.

The question doesn’t say, “Can you live without anger?” The question is “Can you live free from anger?” meaning “Can you live without being controlled by anger?” To which I would say, Yes you can, and should, live your life without being controlled by anger. But first let’s talk about anger.

What is Anger?

Anger is the emotion we feel when personal boundaries have been violated. This is different for everyone. What makes me mad may not make my wife mad. Anger isn’t really a primary emotion; it’s a reaction to something that has happened that threatens our personal worth, essential needs or basic convictions. We use anger to protect ourselves and it gives us energy to find a solution to the problem. (Many definitions are based on the “Married and Loving It” class manual written by Barbara D. Petty Ph.D and Rev. Terry W. Petty)

What do we do with Anger?

As I mentioned before, anger is energy we create to help us solve a problem. It’s whether we choose to control that energy and use it constructively or not that determines whether or not we make the problem worse or solve it.

Dealing with Anger

There are some basic steps to dealing with Anger and not letting it control you. First, you need to figure out what caused you to get angry. Second you need to figure out a solution. And third you need to forgive.

Figuring out what got you angry in the first place can be kind of tricky. Most people will say something like, you hit me so I am mad at you. Anger was actually triggered by the violation of a personal boundary and an attempt to preserve an essential need (safety). When you can boil it down to what really caused you to get angry, you will be much more likely to resolve and forgive. If you start by blaming, you will associate the negative feeling with the person, and that makes it much harder to forgive.

The second part is finding a solution. This means you need to address the problem, not suppress it, become aggressive, or manipulative to those involved. Good anger resolution comes from assertively, yet positively expressing your anger. This takes a lot of self-discipline, but ultimately helps you come to a positive solution. There are times when there isn’t anything you can do about it, which brings us to forgiveness.

In order to forgive, you need to step out of your shoes and into the other person’s shoes. You have to recognize your own limitations and imperfections. You need to decide that your anger won’t hold you down, and you are going to forgive the other person.

When I discussed this topic with my brothers, sisters and friends a few years ago, some of them asked about righteous anger. Most of us probably consider righteous anger as justified anger (don’t we all feel justified when we are angry?). The example cited was Christ throwing out the money changers from the temple. You could also say that God wasn’t really happy with Israelites many times, he was wroth with them. This is my answer to that.

Righteous anger is hard, as humans, to control. It can quickly just turn into anger. Anger clouds our vision and perspective. To be free of anger doesn't mean that the emotion doesn't exist, it means that we are not controlled by it. Finding the source of the anger, dealing with it and then moving on, like the Savior would do is the ultimate goal. Did the Savior use some force to address the problem? Yes. It must have been necessary, because he didn’t make any mistakes (he also had a much better understanding of the situation than we do). But didn’t he also forgive everyone, even paying the price for the sins they committed? He never lost control and he always loved and was willing to forgive.

As Husband and Wife and as Father and Mother, we set the example for our family. We need to learn to control our anger before we can expect it from someone else. If we can help each other and keep working on solutions, while forgiving one another, we will strengthen our marriages and families.

Next week: Practicing Patience

Listening to Each Other

Resolving conflict takes more than a hug and,
"I'm sorry." You must listen to each other.

During one of my psychology classes in college, we had to read about a research study on happy marriage

relationships. The one claim that stood out to me, and irritated me for a long time, was that communication wasn’t necessary for a happy marriage. The researcher sited a couple that had been married for more than 50 years, and both described their relationship as being happy. The researcher observed that the couple didn’t talk very much and they acknowledged that they never held really long discussions.

What bothered me about this conclusion was the inference that all communication must come from the mouth. We say a lot with body language. I know pretty quickly after I walk in the door what kind of day my wife and kids are having, even if no one is talking or telling me about the day.

Especially when it comes to expressing feelings, not everyone does it through poems or elaborate orations. Some people just want to be close, while others want to buy things for the people they love. In a future post I want to discuss this more, but for now I think most of us know someone, or many people, that have a hard time expressing their feelings.

If you are married to someone like that, you have to listen a lot more closely.

When it’s hard to listen

I’d like to focus on when it’s hard to listen. Most of us are very happy listening to our spouse or kids when they are happy and sharing their love for us. It’s a lot more difficult to really listen when there is an argument. Just like muscles, relationships get stronger when we work through the struggles. Here are some rules for discussing problems. (I got these from a marriage class my wife and I took through the University of Idaho Extension. This is not the full list, just some highlights.)

·         Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready. However, the conversation may not happen if you don’t set a time, so have a goal you both will agree to keep.

·         Stay on Topic. If needed, write down your points of view and keep them in front of you. Bringing up the past will only open old wounds and destroy trust. If it doesn’t directly apply to the topic at hand, leave it for another discussion.

·         Don’t use violence, threaten, or use offensive language. All of these are tactics to belittle and hurt the other person. If resolution is what you are after, force isn’t going to get you there.

·         Seek to understand instead of argue. This requires you to listen and try to understand their point of view. Don’t plan your rebuttal while your spouse is talking. Give her a chance to speak and pay attention to what she has to say.

When it’s hard to talk

I want to expand the first point a little farther. Expressing how one feels is not easy for some people. For various reasons, some people have a hard time opening up. As a partner in your relationship, it’s important that you share what hurts as well as what feels good. I’m not talking about playing the blame game. I mean stating how you have been affected by something that happened. For example: It hurt my feelings that you decided to go play golf with your friend instead of helping me clean the garage.

You may need to do what Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great suggests. Get in the habit of taking 10 minutes to talk to each other about things other than work, family, what needs to get done or the relationship. This will help strengthen your marriage and your communication skills so you will be better prepared to talk during the hard times.

It’s important to talk when you are hurt because the other person may not even know what’s bothering you. What’s obvious to you may not even be considered relevant to the other person. I can’t change if I don’t know what I did wrong. Since we all come from different backgrounds, you can’t assume that everyone knows what’s appropriate or “right” in a marriage.

Sometimes you don’t want to hear what the other person is saying, and sometime you are worried about sharing something that is bothering you. But it’s in these difficult times that we grow stronger as individuals and as couples.

If you can listen to the problem, you might be part of the solution.

Next week: Dealing with Anger

Building a Stable Home

While I was dating my future wife in college, and our relationship progressed toward marriage, I started

Life is tough, but with a stable home, kids
can learn from those bumps.

thinking about the future. I had seen many marriages end in divorce and I didn’t want that to happen to me and my future family. So I asked for advice from a man I respected, whom I knew had been happily married for longer than I had been alive, and had successfully navigated financial, health and emotional struggles with his wife.

“So dad, how did you know you should marry mom?” I asked one evening. “What was it about her that convinced you she would be a lasting companion for you.”

“One thing I really respected about your mom was her emotional stability,” he responded. “I knew we needed that in our home.”

He also said that she had strengths where he had weaknesses, and vice versa. Like complementary colors, their strengths and weaknesses helped to create a stable home for me and my 9 siblings. Coincidentally, it was when I realized that my wife’s strengths would help strengthen my weaknesses that I knew I wanted to marry her.

Parental Balance

 In the years that followed, I learned that in order to make a stable home, it’s not enough to completely divide duties based on existing strengths. Sure it would be easy to say, ‘you are so good at cleaning the dishes, much better than me, so I’ll let you do it.’ Or one might be tempted to say, ‘I’m much better with the money, I’ll balance the checkbook and let you know what we can spend.’

Balance doesn’t come from conceding or taking control because of strengths, it comes as those with strength help the other develop strength. When we help someone grow, we grow too.

Another quick story, one day my dad was trying to get all our camping stuff to fit on a newly built shelf. We had more stuff than shelf and my dad and I were trying to figure out the puzzle. (Actually, I was more watching and providing moral support rather than moving anything, but I digress.) My dad is very analytical and thorough in his thought process. Even though his hands weren’t moving, I could see his mind working with the shapes and trying to figure out a solution. 

After some time, my mom came out and asked how it was going. After a brief explanation of little hope of getting all the stuff to fit, my mom suggested something obvious. My dad responded that he had tried it and even went through the trouble of trying it again while she stood there, explaining the problem that still remained. My mom was gifted with thinking outside the box and suggested something that I was sure wouldn’t work. I dismissed it and almost said as much but then my dad made a comment that showed he actually considered it. This led to him eventually figuring out how to solve his problem. 

I can’t tell you how many times I saw this happen but the pattern was consistent. Here is the simple pattern:

·         Dad analyzed the situation, worked on a problem (His strength).

·         If unsuccessful, mom would join and offer a solution, sometimes before fully understanding the problem (mother of 10, you can imagine she didn’t have time to look at every angle before needing to find a solution).

·         Dad respectfully acknowledged her suggestion, explained more details and continued to think about the problem.

·         Mom would help him think of another solution, one perhaps he wouldn’t have thought of because she took a different approach (her strength).

·         Dad and mom came to a good conclusion that solved the problem.

This seems easy, but I know practice is harder. Consider the frustration when a problem you have been working on seems insurmountable. Then to have someone, even a spouse, come and offer a solution that’s obvious. It’s easier to vent frustration at that person then to acknowledge their desire to help you. However, when we treat others with respect and love, we keep things in perspective and find solutions. Another reason we need to help each other improve is because the one with the strength may not always be around. When it’s dad’s duty to put the kids to bed because mom is not home, mom’s patience won’t help. Dad needs his own patience.

Effects of a Stable Home

Have you ever watched a movie that was constantly changing main characters? If you have you probably don’t remember what the movie was trying to convey, or have any attachment to any of the characters.

Or have you ever worked for a person that always changed the standards by which you were measured or the goals you were working for? If so, you probably found it hard to succeed because of the fluctuation of circumstances in your work.

So it’s not hard to imagine why divorce and uninvolved, inconsistent parents make it hard for kids to grow up to be committed, responsible adults.

Claire Kamp Dush, assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University, authored a study evaluating the development of kids in single and married homes. She found that kids who grew up in stable homes, married or single, fared better than kids that had unstable home lives. Even behavior problems were significantly less for kids in stable homes than unstable homes, regardless of race. Kamp Dush said that cognitive stimulation and emotional support were the only consistent advantages for children in married stable homes.

I’d say those are important benefits. I also say that it’s hard to establish a stable home when you are relying only on your strengths and weaknesses. You don’t have someone to help you improve and grow.

God gave Adam an help meet. I think that was to help them grow more than it was to help the garden grow. Together they grew and together they raised kids.

Next week: Listening to Each Other

Attitude with Children - The way we speak.

Recently, I’ve been doing a little experiment. But only I knew about it.

Here is the scenario. My kids, in particular my two boys (an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old), don’t always listen when you ask them to do things. Not only is that frustrating, but human nature says, “if that didn’t work, try saying it again, only louder.” I have done that many times and the volume I end up using sometimes is probably kin to shouting. (Let’s be perfectly clear, I never swear or use degrading language.) I start in a conversational tone, “Please pick up your toys.” Then I say it again with a little more volume and a little more body language. “Please PICK UP YOUR TOYS.” Finally, somewhere between a yell and scream while picking them up and putting them in front of their pile of toys on the floor, I exclaim, “PICK UP YOUR TOYS!”

The rest of the night goes about like this: I feel frustrated because I had to raise my voice, while also feeling justifies because the kids still aren’t listening. The kids are noticeably annoyed with me and are less than amiable with any further requests. In general the mood in the house becomes gloomy and testy and we all can’t wait for bed – well, I can’t wait for them to go to bed, and they don’t want to go to bed, but aren’t as interested in staying up since dad has a burr in his saddle.

So that’s how things would go some nights. It isn’t always that way, and sometimes we don’t always get to dinner before that episode would start, but I didn’t like it and I wanted to change what was going on. I thought long and hard about what I could say to motivate my kids to change their behavior. (Who needed to change, Ryan?) I hadn’t come up with a good answer and that only added to my frustration, but I noticed I needed to do something different.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  

So, back to my experiment. I was recently reminded of how a woman got the attention of a room full of rowdy kids, and it wasn’t by yelling, threatening or spanking. I was astonished the first time I saw it – actually, every time I saw it.

She quietly whispered.

I couldn’t hear her, at first, but very soon, all the kids quieted down because they wanted to hear what she was saying. So when I was reminded of this through a talk I heard last Sunday, I decided to try it. 

One morning, my 3 year old was in the blinds. I don’t know how many times we have said not to play in the blinds, but there he was doing it again. It did cross my mind to firmly remind him what we expected, but instead I tried saying as quietly and gently as possible, “Son, please get out of the blinds.” He did it right away! I almost gave him a high five and jumped in the air. (It’s the simple pleasures in life. J)

Another night, my daughter got up out of bed and had a few excuses for why she was out of bed. I didn’t change my position, but everything I said was soft and gentle. She didn’t get up anymore, and wasn’t upset with me when she went back in her room.

This actually works with grown-ups too. This blog talks about the “speak softly” technique. Think about it though, who likes to be yelled at or scolded for mistakes? When you think about how the Savior talked to those that came to him. He was clear direct, but respectful and kind. 

Unfortunately, our kids have picked up on this habit of getting louder to make your point. It may take some time to unlearn the bad habit I was teaching my kids.

I think the main take away is obvious: speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. That usually comes from changing your attitude about the situation. Initially I thought I needed to change their behavior, but I learned that as I changed my behavior, they followed suit.

Next week: Finding answers with God

Family Culture

Each generation must learn who they are,
and then pass on a heritage for the next generation.
What legacy will you pass on?

A friend of mine from New Zealand named Henry Higgins, served a mission in Korea at the same time I did. He was always happy to talk about his Maori heritage. He beamed as he flashed his tongue, chanted the haka, and shared stories from their culture.

As a new missionary, I was also immersing myself in the Korean culture. I was learning about their language, their history, customs and traditions, which all seemed beautiful and wonderful to me. Since I was going to be serving them, I wanted to know a lot about them and I had a great love and respect for their culture. 

At this time, I was struggling with my own identity though. I had seen a few cultures first hand, in Mexico, Guatemala, Hawaii, now Korea, and I started to wonder about my own heritage. Did I have any cool dances passed down from generation to generation? Did I have any neat stories about courage and survival? Did I have a language my ancestors used to communicate their thoughts and feelings? 

Unfortunately, I felt a void and it made me sad.

After a while, I realized that I did have a great heritage (though I don’t think we have any cool dances like the Haka), and I had forgotten it. I do have great stories of survival and courage from ancestors.

I also realized the most important culture I have is not tied to blood lines but the blood of Christ. The gospel culture of rebirth, faith and devotion to God is a culture that has deeply influenced my family. It’s a culture of love, forgiveness and change through our merciful Lord and Redeemer. 

I know about my Christian culture, but how do I pass it along to my kids?

Share it with a Smile
When I asked Henry about the Haka, he smiled and told me about where it came from and what it meant and then offered to show me how to do it. He was often showing others and was happy to do it. Christians have the gospel or “good news,” and we should share it with a smile to our kids. When I tell my kids about the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I want to do it with a smile because of what it means to me. When I explain my reasons for moral and ethical values, I don’t want to pout. I want to gladly explain the reasons I want to live a better life.

Share it with a Song
Music and dance are often outward expressions of cultures around the world. We can put vigor and energy into them that goes beyond simple words. The crescendo in the national anthem stirs my heart and reminds me of my heritage every time I hear it. Similar feelings come when I sing Amazing Grace to my kids at night. My wife and I have set a tradition in our home to sing songs to our kids right before they go to sleep. It’s a nightly reminder of our Christian heritage. The songs I learned growing up became a strength to me when I was afraid, discouraged and struggling. I hope to pass that on to my kids, so they will know where true strength comes from.

Share it with Stories
Every culture I know of has some traditional story about how man was created and the world was formed. Whether it involves tigers or tides, they are passed on from generation to generation. Often they are symbolic of a balance of nature and unseen powers. Older members of the culture feel it a duty to share important events and concepts through stories to the younger generation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard David and Goliath, but I still love that story. I want my children to be very familiar with the Easter story, and many others from the scriptures. As I mentioned in an earlier post, children put themselves in the stories they hear. Tell them good stories from the Christian heritage and they will find the faith they need when they face their own Goliath.

Next week:  Attitude with Children