Dealing with Anger

We may never be able to stop getting angry,
but we don't have to let our anger control us.

I have a question that might seem obvious, but I want you to think about it.

Can you live free from Anger?

Now you might be thinking, “Anger is an emotion and we all feel anger. So the answer is obviously, No.”

To that I say, read the question again and think about it’s really asking. I’ll give you a second to read it again.

The question doesn’t say, “Can you live without anger?” The question is “Can you live free from anger?” meaning “Can you live without being controlled by anger?” To which I would say, Yes you can, and should, live your life without being controlled by anger. But first let’s talk about anger.

What is Anger?

Anger is the emotion we feel when personal boundaries have been violated. This is different for everyone. What makes me mad may not make my wife mad. Anger isn’t really a primary emotion; it’s a reaction to something that has happened that threatens our personal worth, essential needs or basic convictions. We use anger to protect ourselves and it gives us energy to find a solution to the problem. (Many definitions are based on the “Married and Loving It” class manual written by Barbara D. Petty Ph.D and Rev. Terry W. Petty)

What do we do with Anger?

As I mentioned before, anger is energy we create to help us solve a problem. It’s whether we choose to control that energy and use it constructively or not that determines whether or not we make the problem worse or solve it.

Dealing with Anger

There are some basic steps to dealing with Anger and not letting it control you. First, you need to figure out what caused you to get angry. Second you need to figure out a solution. And third you need to forgive.

Figuring out what got you angry in the first place can be kind of tricky. Most people will say something like, you hit me so I am mad at you. Anger was actually triggered by the violation of a personal boundary and an attempt to preserve an essential need (safety). When you can boil it down to what really caused you to get angry, you will be much more likely to resolve and forgive. If you start by blaming, you will associate the negative feeling with the person, and that makes it much harder to forgive.

The second part is finding a solution. This means you need to address the problem, not suppress it, become aggressive, or manipulative to those involved. Good anger resolution comes from assertively, yet positively expressing your anger. This takes a lot of self-discipline, but ultimately helps you come to a positive solution. There are times when there isn’t anything you can do about it, which brings us to forgiveness.

In order to forgive, you need to step out of your shoes and into the other person’s shoes. You have to recognize your own limitations and imperfections. You need to decide that your anger won’t hold you down, and you are going to forgive the other person.

When I discussed this topic with my brothers, sisters and friends a few years ago, some of them asked about righteous anger. Most of us probably consider righteous anger as justified anger (don’t we all feel justified when we are angry?). The example cited was Christ throwing out the money changers from the temple. You could also say that God wasn’t really happy with Israelites many times, he was wroth with them. This is my answer to that.

Righteous anger is hard, as humans, to control. It can quickly just turn into anger. Anger clouds our vision and perspective. To be free of anger doesn't mean that the emotion doesn't exist, it means that we are not controlled by it. Finding the source of the anger, dealing with it and then moving on, like the Savior would do is the ultimate goal. Did the Savior use some force to address the problem? Yes. It must have been necessary, because he didn’t make any mistakes (he also had a much better understanding of the situation than we do). But didn’t he also forgive everyone, even paying the price for the sins they committed? He never lost control and he always loved and was willing to forgive.

As Husband and Wife and as Father and Mother, we set the example for our family. We need to learn to control our anger before we can expect it from someone else. If we can help each other and keep working on solutions, while forgiving one another, we will strengthen our marriages and families.

Next week: Practicing Patience

Family Virtues – Forgiveness and Mercy

If the burden of pain and resentment are
weighing you down, give up your burdens to
Christ through forgiveness and His mercy.

Christmas is a significant time of year, and not because many stores enter into the black during this chaotic shopping rage known as the holiday season. No, Christmas is significant and relevant to millions of people and for centuries before and yet to come because we celebrate Christ. We love to give gifts and get together with family, but through Christ we can find mercy and forgiveness, which are priceless gifts. 

We as parents can teach our children the power of forgiveness, even if those that have wronged us aren’t asking for it. With forgiveness, it is just as important to give as it is to receive.

Let me summarize a story I’ve been reading to illustrate this point. The original story is Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand. It’s a story of survival, resilience and redemption. It is not a story for the faint of heart. It’s from the World War II experiences of Louie Zamperini, and the suffering can be difficult to fathom and possibly more difficult to forget.

Louie was a Bombardier on a B-24 Liberator starting in October 1942. After several successful bombing trips, Louie and the crew crashed in the Pacific Ocean on May 27, 1943. After 43 days of surviving on little to no food in a small rubber raft, while sharks attacked and even jumped onto their boat, Louie and one other survivor were taken captive by the Japanese. Louie was taken to multiple Japanese POW camps, while his family was told he was dead. For more than two years, Louie was starved, kicked, beat and forced to live in conditions deplorable enough that thousands died from starvation and exposure.

Most of the men that lived through the POW camps came home as broken men. They suffered anxiety, nightmares and fits of rage. Louie was haunted in his dreams by a Japanese officer that constantly sought out Louie while in the POW camps. Louie eventually used alcohol to drown his anxiety and nightmares. He was on the verge of losing his wife and daughter because of his alcoholism and abusive behavior. In a final effort, his wife asked Louie to listen to a preacher that was in Los Angeles. They went and the preacher talked about why God allows people to suffer and how God can help us through those troubled times. Louie was feeling anger and was ready to walk out when he finally remembered a promise he made when he was near death on a small yellow boat in the middle of the Pacific. He said, “If you will save me, I will serve you forever.”

Louie was miraculously relieved of his burden he had carried for four years, since being freed from Japan. A miracle only made possible by the power of Christ. Louie forgave his former guards and tormentors. He even felt compassion for the one man who had repeatedly beat him unconscious.

How is it possible to have years of torture and pain erased in an instant? How is it possible to forgive the men responsible for viciously destroying and murdering unarmed captives? How is it possible to remove a burden so heavy it consumes your every thought - even when you are asleep - in an instant?

The answer came in the form of a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. At Christmas we celebrate the life that allows healing and peace. At Christmas we sing praises for the one who gave his life to save ours. At Christmas we give gifts in honor of the one who offers the supreme gift of exaltation.

So starting now, give the gift of forgiveness and accept the mercy Christ offers. Forgive those that have wronged you and give the burden to the Lord. He is mighty to save. The sooner we can teach our children to forgive and find mercy in Christ, the sooner they will find peace. 

Next Week: Family Virtues – Thrift and Industry