Dealing with Anger

We may never be able to stop getting angry,
but we don't have to let our anger control us.

I have a question that might seem obvious, but I want you to think about it.

Can you live free from Anger?

Now you might be thinking, “Anger is an emotion and we all feel anger. So the answer is obviously, No.”

To that I say, read the question again and think about it’s really asking. I’ll give you a second to read it again.

The question doesn’t say, “Can you live without anger?” The question is “Can you live free from anger?” meaning “Can you live without being controlled by anger?” To which I would say, Yes you can, and should, live your life without being controlled by anger. But first let’s talk about anger.

What is Anger?

Anger is the emotion we feel when personal boundaries have been violated. This is different for everyone. What makes me mad may not make my wife mad. Anger isn’t really a primary emotion; it’s a reaction to something that has happened that threatens our personal worth, essential needs or basic convictions. We use anger to protect ourselves and it gives us energy to find a solution to the problem. (Many definitions are based on the “Married and Loving It” class manual written by Barbara D. Petty Ph.D and Rev. Terry W. Petty)

What do we do with Anger?

As I mentioned before, anger is energy we create to help us solve a problem. It’s whether we choose to control that energy and use it constructively or not that determines whether or not we make the problem worse or solve it.

Dealing with Anger

There are some basic steps to dealing with Anger and not letting it control you. First, you need to figure out what caused you to get angry. Second you need to figure out a solution. And third you need to forgive.

Figuring out what got you angry in the first place can be kind of tricky. Most people will say something like, you hit me so I am mad at you. Anger was actually triggered by the violation of a personal boundary and an attempt to preserve an essential need (safety). When you can boil it down to what really caused you to get angry, you will be much more likely to resolve and forgive. If you start by blaming, you will associate the negative feeling with the person, and that makes it much harder to forgive.

The second part is finding a solution. This means you need to address the problem, not suppress it, become aggressive, or manipulative to those involved. Good anger resolution comes from assertively, yet positively expressing your anger. This takes a lot of self-discipline, but ultimately helps you come to a positive solution. There are times when there isn’t anything you can do about it, which brings us to forgiveness.

In order to forgive, you need to step out of your shoes and into the other person’s shoes. You have to recognize your own limitations and imperfections. You need to decide that your anger won’t hold you down, and you are going to forgive the other person.

When I discussed this topic with my brothers, sisters and friends a few years ago, some of them asked about righteous anger. Most of us probably consider righteous anger as justified anger (don’t we all feel justified when we are angry?). The example cited was Christ throwing out the money changers from the temple. You could also say that God wasn’t really happy with Israelites many times, he was wroth with them. This is my answer to that.

Righteous anger is hard, as humans, to control. It can quickly just turn into anger. Anger clouds our vision and perspective. To be free of anger doesn't mean that the emotion doesn't exist, it means that we are not controlled by it. Finding the source of the anger, dealing with it and then moving on, like the Savior would do is the ultimate goal. Did the Savior use some force to address the problem? Yes. It must have been necessary, because he didn’t make any mistakes (he also had a much better understanding of the situation than we do). But didn’t he also forgive everyone, even paying the price for the sins they committed? He never lost control and he always loved and was willing to forgive.

As Husband and Wife and as Father and Mother, we set the example for our family. We need to learn to control our anger before we can expect it from someone else. If we can help each other and keep working on solutions, while forgiving one another, we will strengthen our marriages and families.

Next week: Practicing Patience

Family Culture

Each generation must learn who they are,
and then pass on a heritage for the next generation.
What legacy will you pass on?

A friend of mine from New Zealand named Henry Higgins, served a mission in Korea at the same time I did. He was always happy to talk about his Maori heritage. He beamed as he flashed his tongue, chanted the haka, and shared stories from their culture.

As a new missionary, I was also immersing myself in the Korean culture. I was learning about their language, their history, customs and traditions, which all seemed beautiful and wonderful to me. Since I was going to be serving them, I wanted to know a lot about them and I had a great love and respect for their culture. 

At this time, I was struggling with my own identity though. I had seen a few cultures first hand, in Mexico, Guatemala, Hawaii, now Korea, and I started to wonder about my own heritage. Did I have any cool dances passed down from generation to generation? Did I have any neat stories about courage and survival? Did I have a language my ancestors used to communicate their thoughts and feelings? 

Unfortunately, I felt a void and it made me sad.

After a while, I realized that I did have a great heritage (though I don’t think we have any cool dances like the Haka), and I had forgotten it. I do have great stories of survival and courage from ancestors.

I also realized the most important culture I have is not tied to blood lines but the blood of Christ. The gospel culture of rebirth, faith and devotion to God is a culture that has deeply influenced my family. It’s a culture of love, forgiveness and change through our merciful Lord and Redeemer. 

I know about my Christian culture, but how do I pass it along to my kids?

Share it with a Smile
When I asked Henry about the Haka, he smiled and told me about where it came from and what it meant and then offered to show me how to do it. He was often showing others and was happy to do it. Christians have the gospel or “good news,” and we should share it with a smile to our kids. When I tell my kids about the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I want to do it with a smile because of what it means to me. When I explain my reasons for moral and ethical values, I don’t want to pout. I want to gladly explain the reasons I want to live a better life.

Share it with a Song
Music and dance are often outward expressions of cultures around the world. We can put vigor and energy into them that goes beyond simple words. The crescendo in the national anthem stirs my heart and reminds me of my heritage every time I hear it. Similar feelings come when I sing Amazing Grace to my kids at night. My wife and I have set a tradition in our home to sing songs to our kids right before they go to sleep. It’s a nightly reminder of our Christian heritage. The songs I learned growing up became a strength to me when I was afraid, discouraged and struggling. I hope to pass that on to my kids, so they will know where true strength comes from.

Share it with Stories
Every culture I know of has some traditional story about how man was created and the world was formed. Whether it involves tigers or tides, they are passed on from generation to generation. Often they are symbolic of a balance of nature and unseen powers. Older members of the culture feel it a duty to share important events and concepts through stories to the younger generation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard David and Goliath, but I still love that story. I want my children to be very familiar with the Easter story, and many others from the scriptures. As I mentioned in an earlier post, children put themselves in the stories they hear. Tell them good stories from the Christian heritage and they will find the faith they need when they face their own Goliath.

Next week:  Attitude with Children

Family Virtues – Optimism

"Whether You Think You Can or Can't,
You're Right"--Henry Ford

At a previous place of employment, we had a team building activity that taught a lot about the groups effects on our performance. The leader of the session (we’ll call her Jane) picked a young woman (we’ll call her Abby) to leave the room. After Abby left, Jane told all of us to think very negative thoughts about Abby and mentally tell her she couldn’t do the task she would be given. Then Jane went out into the hall and got Abby and asked her to try to lift up her arm while Jane tried to hold it down.

She couldn’t do it. No one said a thing, but we all hoped she wouldn’t be able to do it.

Jane asked Abby, who was feeling a little embarrassed, to leave again. Then Jane asked all of us to think of all the good qualities in Abby, and mentally encourage her to do the task. We agreed and Abby once again was brought into the room. She was asked to pick up her arm while Jane tried to hold it down.

This time Abby was able to do it with little problem. Again, we didn’t say anything, but we knew she could do it. (Besides, she was a stubborn farm girl, she wasn’t going to fail twice. :)

Now I must admit, it’s easy to dismiss this because Jane might have just not pushed as hard, or Abby was more prepared the second time around. But aren’t we more capable when those around us encourage and believe in us? Am I the only one who falters more often when everyone around me expects it?

Specialists from Clemson University wrote an article titled, “Building Family Strengths: Optimism.” In it, Debora Thomason, Ed.D. and Brenda Thames, Ed.D. define optimism as the energy that fuels your thoughts, feelings and actions based on the difference between your expectations and your perceptions of a situation.”

So when we are optimistic about the future, we will have a positive energy in our actions moving forward. If we are optimistic about those around us, we will have positive energy in our feelings towards them.

Optimism isn’t just a good idea. It really does have a lasting impact on families. Researchers from University of California-Davis and Dixie State College wanted to find how optimism impacted those that were prone to economic pressures and early life struggles. They interviewed single African American mothers and their children from Iowa and Georgia. They conducted the interviews four times over 9 years, starting in 1997.

While I won’t go into the whole study (you can read it here), here are some highlights.

·   Mothers that were optimistic tended to be more effective with managing their children.

·   While all the mothers had internalizing symptoms (the research doesn’t explain what that means, but I think it’s when they really believe they are less of a person because of their problems) when economic pressures were high, those that were highly optimistic were significantly better at dealing with internalizing and were more effective parents.

·   Optimism was most impactful when economic struggles were highest, and least impactful when finances were good.

To me, this means believing in our kids and helping them believe in themselves, actually helps us manage our kids better. I also learned from this research that economic pressures don’t determine the optimism. The individual’s optimism determined how they coped with it.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

-- Alexander Graham Bell

On the Clemson University Family Life website, they give some examples of what positive families do. I want to share two of them.

Strong families aspire to:

·   give so much to the improvement of self that there is no time to criticize others; and

·   be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy for the presence of trouble.

The rest of the list is good, so check it out.

Think about the Savior. When the woman who was caught in adultery was brought before him, he didn’t jump in with the others and criticize her. After dismissing them, he didn’t look at her and say, “I’m sure you will make this mistake again.” He said, I believe you will change. So go and sin no more. (Not an exact quote)

So let’s work on strengthening our families by believing in each other. Believe in the future and let your optimism energize your thoughts and actions.

Next week: Family Virtues – Faith and Hope