While I was dating my future wife in college, and our
relationship progressed toward marriage, I started
thinking about the future. I
had seen many marriages end in divorce and I didn’t want that to happen to me
and my future family. So I asked for advice from a man I respected, whom I knew
had been happily married for longer than I had been alive, and had successfully
navigated financial, health and emotional struggles with his wife.
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| Life is tough, but with a stable home, kids can learn from those bumps. |
“So dad, how did you know you should marry mom?” I asked one
evening. “What was it about her that convinced you she would be a lasting
companion for you.”
“One thing I really respected about your mom was her
emotional stability,” he responded. “I knew we needed that in our home.”
He also said that she had strengths where he had
weaknesses, and vice versa. Like complementary colors, their strengths and
weaknesses helped to create a stable home for me and my 9 siblings.
Coincidentally, it was when I realized that my wife’s strengths would help
strengthen my weaknesses that I knew I wanted to marry her.
Parental Balance
In the years that
followed, I learned that in order to make a stable home, it’s not enough to
completely divide duties based on existing strengths. Sure it would be easy to
say, ‘you are so good at cleaning the dishes, much better than me, so I’ll let
you do it.’ Or one might be tempted to say, ‘I’m much better with the money, I’ll
balance the checkbook and let you know what we can spend.’
Balance doesn’t come from conceding or taking control
because of strengths, it comes as those with strength help the other develop
strength. When we help someone grow, we grow too.
Another quick story, one day my dad was trying to get all
our camping stuff to fit on a newly built shelf. We had more stuff than shelf
and my dad and I were trying to figure out the puzzle. (Actually, I was more
watching and providing moral support rather than moving anything, but I
digress.) My dad is very analytical and thorough in his thought process. Even
though his hands weren’t moving, I could see his mind working with the shapes
and trying to figure out a solution.
After some time, my mom came out and asked
how it was going. After a brief explanation of little hope of getting all the
stuff to fit, my mom suggested something obvious. My dad responded that he had
tried it and even went through the trouble of trying it again while she stood
there, explaining the problem that still remained. My mom was gifted with
thinking outside the box and suggested something that I was sure wouldn’t work.
I dismissed it and almost said as much but then my dad made a comment that
showed he actually considered it. This led to him eventually figuring out how
to solve his problem.
I can’t tell you how many times I saw this happen but the
pattern was consistent. Here is the simple pattern:
·
Dad analyzed the situation, worked on a problem (His
strength).
·
If unsuccessful, mom would join and offer a
solution, sometimes before fully understanding the problem (mother of 10, you
can imagine she didn’t have time to look at every angle before needing to find
a solution).
·
Dad respectfully acknowledged her suggestion,
explained more details and continued to think about the problem.
·
Mom would help him think of another solution,
one perhaps he wouldn’t have thought of because she took a different approach
(her strength).
·
Dad and mom came to a good conclusion that
solved the problem.
This seems easy, but I know practice is harder. Consider
the frustration when a problem you have been working on seems insurmountable.
Then to have someone, even a spouse, come and offer a solution that’s obvious.
It’s easier to vent frustration at that person then to acknowledge their desire
to help you. However, when we treat others with respect and love, we keep
things in perspective and find solutions. Another reason we need to help each
other improve is because the one with the strength may not always be around.
When it’s dad’s duty to put the kids to bed because mom is not home, mom’s
patience won’t help. Dad needs his own patience.
Effects of a
Stable Home
Have you ever watched a movie that was constantly
changing main characters? If you have you probably don’t remember what the movie
was trying to convey, or have any attachment to any of the characters.
Or have you ever worked for a person that always changed the
standards by which you were measured or the goals you were working for? If so,
you probably found it hard to succeed because of the fluctuation of circumstances
in your work.
So it’s not hard to imagine why divorce and uninvolved,
inconsistent parents make it hard for kids to grow up to be committed,
responsible adults.
Claire Kamp Dush, assistant professor of human development
and family science at Ohio State University, authored a study
evaluating the development of kids in single and married homes. She found that
kids who grew up in stable homes, married or single, fared better than kids
that had unstable home lives. Even behavior problems were significantly less
for kids in stable homes than unstable homes, regardless of race. Kamp Dush
said that cognitive stimulation and emotional support were the only consistent
advantages for children in married stable homes.
I’d say those are important benefits. I also say that it’s
hard to establish a stable home when you are relying only on your strengths and
weaknesses. You don’t have someone to help you improve and grow.
God gave Adam an help meet. I think that was to help them
grow more than it was to help the garden grow. Together they grew and together
they raised kids.
Next week: Listening to Each Other
