Practicing Patience

The key to patience is perspective. As we look beyond
our immediate circumstance, we may see that
the clouds are about to part and bring sunshine.

The story of Abraham is the ultimate story of patience. He truly spent his life waiting for the one thing he desired most: children. Abraham was a great man. Having children was a big deal in their culture and especially to a man of God like Abraham. (Our society doesn’t place the same emphasis on having children, especially for women, but I digress.) When they take the time to record that his wife was barren, you have to believe it was a big blow for Abraham and his wife, especially for such a detail to last in the records for thousands of years.

Then we read in Genesis chapter 11 that Abram (this is before the name change), who was now 75 years old, was promised that God would make out of him a great nation. And God would make Abram’s name great.

It seems to me that Abraham would understand this to mean he would be given children. You can’t have a great nation of two. And to make your name great – in a day without celebrities, social media or newspapers – meant having at least some children to carry on that name as they changed the world around them.

Then after Abraham travels to Canaan, he again is told more directly that this land would be given to his posterity. They weren’t immediately given children though. They had to go to Egypt for a few years to escape a famine in the land and then when they got back, Sarah was still barren. Abraham still didn’t lose faith, and the Lord continued to give him assurances that he would have children.  

After many more years and a son name Ishmael through Hagar, the Lord again comes to Abraham and tells him he would have posterity through Sarah. Abraham marveled (when it says he laughed in his heart, I think that means he was happy. I don’t think a man like Abraham would have laughed at God) at this since he was 100 years old and Sarah was 90.

Finally the great day came, and Abraham was given a son. Waiting on the Lord to give them a son for 100 years would surely have been trial enough, but then he was commanded to kill him. We know how it turns out, but all those years of trusting in the Lord made it possible for Abraham to endure this greatest trial.

Paul explained it well to the Hebrews.

 “That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises.

 “For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself,

 “Saying, Surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee.

 “And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.” (Hebrews 6:12-15)

Paul was trying to teach the people that life will be hard but pushing on in faith and patience is how we get the prize. Patience isn’t idleness. Abraham didn’t sit in a hammock just waiting for the Lord to give him kids. He was continually showing the Lord he was willing to follow Him. Paul was teaching the Hebrews that they needed to be doing good while they waited upon the Lord.

That’s a phrase that’s kind of hard to swallow: waiting upon the Lord. Isaiah used it when he talked about perseverance. (There are other references, but this one communicates the point.)

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31) 

So what does all this have to do with family?

From a parent’s perspective, a lot! I struggle with patience sometimes. I have high expectations for my kids and I want them to be good, even at a young age. So even writing this blog post was difficult since I am constantly falling short on this virtue.

I think the best way to practice patience, and therefore get better at it, is to take a second to put things in perspective. I think Abraham had many nights when he prayed to God, asking about the family he was promised. Abraham didn’t become consumed by his grief because he had perspective. He knew that God could do great things. He also knew that God does things in His own time.

So when you are frustrated or angry that things aren’t turning out like you expected, take a minute to put it into perspective. If you are eagerly keeping the Lord’s commandments, He will bless you in His time and according to his will.

Next week: Gratitude

Finding Answers from God

One of the many neat quotes in the Library of Congress.

Getting a two year old to transition from a crib to a toddler bed is frustrating. 2 year olds aren’t called sit-and-waiters, they are called toddlers. They want to be up and moving around at all times. Cribs are great because they keep them contained. It only takes so long before the limited space becomes boring and they decide to give up and go to sleep.

However, when a toddler becomes a climber, it’s time to move to a bed. Our 2 year old figured out how to climb out of his crib and we didn’t want to be awakened one night to a scream because the escapist fell out of bed and hurt himself.

So the first night of sleeping in a bed had come and I was trying my hardest to figure out how to get this little boy to stay in his bed. Telling him didn’t do it. Bribing didn’t work. Threatening didn’t work for long. What was I to do?

Well I knew this topic was coming up for my blog, so I thought I better put my theory to the test. That is, I believe we can find the answers to our problems in the scriptures if we read, ponder and pray for guidance. So that’s what I did, and it worked. This is what happened.

I went into his room, and sat down on the floor. I pulled out my phone, which has the scriptures on it, and started reading aloud Joshua chapter 1. By the time I got to the end of Joshua chapter 3, my 2-year-old son was asleep. Not exactly a miracle, since reading has put me to sleep many times, but it was an answer to my problems.

Seriously though, we can find real answers for life now by reading the scriptures. And I think it can really help families to find answers this way. First of all, the scriptures contain eternal truth. Second, searching for answers gives us a new perspective. And finally, it develops faith.

Eternal Truth

The difference between eternal truth and man’s truth is how long it stands before being disproven. Eternal truth is established by God and will never be disproven, hence being eternal. Man’s truth is an attempt to make sense of things and is good, most of the time, but it is not complete. So we need to establish our lives on eternal truths. Jesus said it himself, “Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:” (Matt. 7:24) We know the parable; no matter what came, the house stood still because it was grounded on a solid foundation. When we base our decisions on eternal truths, we will be much better off.

I must say that we may not always understand eternal truths correctly, but at least we are starting with a pure source. If we continue to learn and try to apply what we know, our knowledge and understanding will grow.

New Perspective

Consulting scripture when you have problems helps you gain a new perspective. When we have a problem, we tend to think about it with only one view point. When we talk to someone else about our problems, they see it differently. This can often help us find a good solution to our problems because we see more options.

The scriptures offer a true story with real outcomes. We get to see two or more sides to a story as the stories unfold. If we think about what we are reading, God can enlighten our minds and we will see our lives more clearly.

Develop Faith

Searching for answers with a prayer in our heart and an open mind is an exercise in faith. As we try to understand God’s will for us and desire to follow that knowledge, we add layers of bricks to that house built on the Rock of our Redeemer. And families fixed on that kind of faith will be able to withstand the storms that will come.

Does It Work?

I have had many experiences but to illustrate what I mean, I want to share one experience. One day I was trying to figure out if I should start a new venture, which I knew would take some time and hard work. Like most people, I am busy, so finding time for this opportunity was a difficult decision. To make matters worse, there was no sure or immediate return on investment of this time. If I did it, I knew that it may be a labor of love more than a labor of monetary gain.

So I started by saying a prayer. I asked God to guide me and help me understand what was right for me and my family. So I opened my bible and started reading. I found a verse that said Ryan will do this that and the other and it will have this result. I closed the bible and lived happily ever after.

OK, it wasn’t that easy and it never is. I did open my bible and started reading. I read a chapter or two and as I reflected on what I read, one part stood out more than the rest. It was relevant to what I was wonder, so I noted that and opened to another section. I read a page or two and realized the theme of the story also related to my decision. This continued a few more times and then I reviewed what I had pondered and read. I tried to understand what it meant and then prayed again. I felt peace and decided I had my answer.

Sometimes, the answer comes in the scripture I read recently rather than just opening and reading, but I do spend some time reading and pondering. As I got more familiar with the scriptures, I knew where to find the stories that were related to what I was going through and then I could find my answers easier.

The moral of the story is God is trying to talk to us and give us understanding. When we listen and try to follow his words, we will not be disappointed. We will always learn.

Next week: Building a stable home

Attitude with Children - The way we speak.

Recently, I’ve been doing a little experiment. But only I knew about it.

Here is the scenario. My kids, in particular my two boys (an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old), don’t always listen when you ask them to do things. Not only is that frustrating, but human nature says, “if that didn’t work, try saying it again, only louder.” I have done that many times and the volume I end up using sometimes is probably kin to shouting. (Let’s be perfectly clear, I never swear or use degrading language.) I start in a conversational tone, “Please pick up your toys.” Then I say it again with a little more volume and a little more body language. “Please PICK UP YOUR TOYS.” Finally, somewhere between a yell and scream while picking them up and putting them in front of their pile of toys on the floor, I exclaim, “PICK UP YOUR TOYS!”

The rest of the night goes about like this: I feel frustrated because I had to raise my voice, while also feeling justifies because the kids still aren’t listening. The kids are noticeably annoyed with me and are less than amiable with any further requests. In general the mood in the house becomes gloomy and testy and we all can’t wait for bed – well, I can’t wait for them to go to bed, and they don’t want to go to bed, but aren’t as interested in staying up since dad has a burr in his saddle.

So that’s how things would go some nights. It isn’t always that way, and sometimes we don’t always get to dinner before that episode would start, but I didn’t like it and I wanted to change what was going on. I thought long and hard about what I could say to motivate my kids to change their behavior. (Who needed to change, Ryan?) I hadn’t come up with a good answer and that only added to my frustration, but I noticed I needed to do something different.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  

So, back to my experiment. I was recently reminded of how a woman got the attention of a room full of rowdy kids, and it wasn’t by yelling, threatening or spanking. I was astonished the first time I saw it – actually, every time I saw it.

She quietly whispered.

I couldn’t hear her, at first, but very soon, all the kids quieted down because they wanted to hear what she was saying. So when I was reminded of this through a talk I heard last Sunday, I decided to try it. 

One morning, my 3 year old was in the blinds. I don’t know how many times we have said not to play in the blinds, but there he was doing it again. It did cross my mind to firmly remind him what we expected, but instead I tried saying as quietly and gently as possible, “Son, please get out of the blinds.” He did it right away! I almost gave him a high five and jumped in the air. (It’s the simple pleasures in life. J)

Another night, my daughter got up out of bed and had a few excuses for why she was out of bed. I didn’t change my position, but everything I said was soft and gentle. She didn’t get up anymore, and wasn’t upset with me when she went back in her room.

This actually works with grown-ups too. This blog talks about the “speak softly” technique. Think about it though, who likes to be yelled at or scolded for mistakes? When you think about how the Savior talked to those that came to him. He was clear direct, but respectful and kind. 

Unfortunately, our kids have picked up on this habit of getting louder to make your point. It may take some time to unlearn the bad habit I was teaching my kids.

I think the main take away is obvious: speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. That usually comes from changing your attitude about the situation. Initially I thought I needed to change their behavior, but I learned that as I changed my behavior, they followed suit.

Next week: Finding answers with God

Marriage = More than I Do’s

Me on my wedding day. Yes, I can fly.
"When you are the wind beneath my wings."

One night, after my wife and I had a disagreement, I came to an important realization: It doesn’t matter who started it or is at fault, I need to say, “I’m sorry.” This little nugget, though hard to follow at times, has helped us get through many problems. I find it really easy to feel justified in my cause and ready to stand up for myself, only to find out that I am standing in the way of progress in our relationship.

At marriage we often think of the wonderful times ahead. Not all wedding vows are the same, but I imagine most of them have a couple phrases in there about sticking together in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. When push comes to shove, sickness, poverty and other common problems tend to strain marital bonds and even break some.

My wife and I have only been married for seven and a half years. I am well aware I am not qualified to give marital advice. So I will start by saying I am leaning on the experience and wisdom of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B. Hinckley. I have quoted him before, and I think his book, “Standing For Something” is very useful, especially in our current times. (I am not affiliated or reimbursed for mentioning his book, it’s just really good.)

Mr. Hinckley outlines four cornerstones to a strong marriage, the explanations are my own. Marriage is the foundation for the family, so strengthening marriage will strengthen the family.

1. Mutual respect and loyalty to one another

I don’t know too many people that would disagree with this principle in theory. The practice is a little more difficult to agree on, especially in the heat of the moment. Do you belittle the other when you disagree with each other? Do you push a button because you know it will upset him/her? Do you vent frustrations with friends or family after an argument? Do you discount their opinion because they don’t know as much as you? Do you hold a grudge against your spouse for past arguments or deeds?

Each of those questions is either an aspect of respect or loyalty, or both. And our kids will follow suit. If parent’s have genuine respect for each other and are loyal to each other, they will know how to act in their marriage and with their parents. Saying I’m sorry, means I respect you enough to admit I was wrong. It also shows that you are loyal to the vows you made at the wedding ceremony.

2. The soft answer
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When two people get to know each other, they learn a lot about what will really upset the other. I wish every couple resolved never to use this knowledge against each other. Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. This is very applicable in marriage. Saying I’m sorry, instead of trying to win the argument, will allow tempers to settle and resolution become more feasible. It’s hard to work out a solution when you’re on the offensive.

3. Financial Honesty

Finances are a personal matter and each couple needs to agree on how they will handle finances for their family. Once they agree, they both need to adhere to that plan. Money can be a devastating thing in a marriage. When managed and put in perspective, it is a necessary tool in life.

4. Prayer

I have always treated my marriage as a three-way covenant between God, my wife and me. When God is an integral part of each day, as an individual and as a couple, you forge an even stronger bond as husband and wife. Pray for guidance, pray for help, pray for forgiveness, and combine your faith in Christ to stay happily married.

Mr. Hinckley shared the following quote in an article in 1999.

“Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort for your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another. Be excellent in every way.”

This is a poem I thought I would share. I wrote it for my wife just a couple months after we got married. It’s still true and I expect it will always be true, because I want to cherish her forever.

No sunset's glory, nor day dawn's view,

Could match the majesty found in you.

Every thoughtless glance in my direction,

Seems, with my heart, to make connection.

Your every wish is to me a command,

For I would risk it all to win your hand.

Even when we are miles apart,

You will always be in my heart.

Blissful laughter, abounding love and care,

Are some of the reasons for the love we share.

Next week:  Involving the family in service

Learning through parables

Children usually put themselves into the story, often as the
main character, and think about how they would act.

One night as we drove home from some errands, my kids asked me to tell a story. Earlier in the day, I had tried to explain why it’s important not to fake being hurt or tell adults something was wrong when it really wasn’t. So I used this opportunity to tell my kids about the boy who cried wolf. I explained that the boy only cried wolf the first two times because he was bored and wanted to see what the town’s people would do. But the third time, when the wolf really came, the people didn’t believe him and came after it was too late.

While the motive was good, my 5-year-old daughter didn’t think so much about the moral as she did about the wolf. For the next week or two we were answering a lot of questions about wolves and reassuring her there weren’t any wolves in our area. Our 3-year-old son hasn’t stopped talking about fighting wolves since then.

While my story is not a model of success, it helps to illustrate a couple points about teaching through parables.

1. Puts things into perspective

A parable is generally a story that takes divine or eternal truth and compares it to things that are material or physical in nature. Jesus did this to help people grasp the concept and make it plain to understand (for some, which we will cover next).

My favorite story of teaching through parables actually comes from the Old Testament. Shortly after King David lost control of his will power and made a series of bad decisions that lead to his falling from favor with the Lord, Nathan the prophet shows up. While he had every right to launch into a stern rebuke and give David a tongue lashing he wouldn’t soon forget, he didn’t. He started by telling David a story about two men with sheep. One had many sheep and was a very rich man. The other was a poor man with only one sheep, but he loved it very much. The rich man takes the poor man’s sheep and serves it to some guests, instead of killing one of his own sheep. David was outraged and was ready to have the rich man killed for this abomination.

Nathan’s response was “Thou art the man,” (2 Samuel 12:7) and then he delivered the rebuke. So why did Nathan start with a story? It made David put things into perspective. Instead of David immediately putting up defenses and excuses, he acted as his own judge. When the names were revealed, David realized he had no excuse for his actions.

We can use stories to help our kids understand principles that would otherwise be over their heads, or difficult to understand. Through comparisons with things that are familiar, unfamiliar concepts come to life.

2. Allows for deeper understanding

As we learn in the scriptures, Jesus used parables so those that had ears to hear could hear, while keeping those that only wanted to argue were deaf to the truth. The parables can be understood very simply as a story. Then as you think about the story and think about the setting, the characters and plot, you begin to understand more about how they feel and what is important about the story. For those that take time to think about the story, the meaning becomes clear and the truth is evident. For those that don’t believe, the story is elementary and doesn’t deserve any more thought.

When teaching children, I would suggest following the Savior’s example. After he told the parables, his disciples didn’t always understand what he meant by it. So Jesus would discuss it with them and help them understand. We need to talk about the stories we tell and where the truth in the story lies. The wise man didn’t just build on a hard surface; he built his life on the Rock of Salvation and lived according to His teachings. Ask them questions and find out what they understand, and then you know where to add perspective.

3. Provides an opportunity for application of principles

As a social worker and psychotherapist, Betty J. Freedson explains that kids see themselves in stories. They identify with characters and internalize the message, which will seem like inner wisdom later on. In other words, they have put themselves in the position of the main character and faced a decision in their minds, long before they have to face it in real life.

My kids showed this that night when I told them about the boy who cried wolf. They were fixed on trying to figure out what they would do if they had to face a wolf. They put themselves in the story as the main character. It was up to me to help them understand that the problem wasn’t the wolf, because others would come and help, if the boy would just tell the truth.

The main point is that parents can’t just leave it at the story. Parables contain truth that never dies, it just has to be applied. Parents have to help their kids learn the application, which will help them in the future as they find other applications.

Next week: Marriage = More than I Do’s

Family Virtues – Learning

Reading together improved literacy for the next generation.
Santa hats optional, but encouraged. :)

“How do you spell ‘accept’?” said my mother after an all night shift at the hospital and only a few hours of sleep. Even though I was young, I knew she was tired and if I waited long enough, she would fall asleep.

“A (pause) c (pause again) s (check her facial expressions to see if I messed up. Oh no, she’s shacking her head, try another letter.) c …” I would say it as slow as I could without making it obvious.

I remember spelling homework going like that frequently. My attempts to get out of homework diminished a lot having to repeat second grade after my original attempt. I was held back because I wasn’t performing like my parents knew I could. From that point on, I played less and focused more.

I want to point out a few things that I learned over the years from these experiences.

1. I went to school to learn, but my parents were going to follow up.
2. School was important enough that my mom would miss sleep to make sure I got my homework done. Over the years, this was true of both parents, as they wouldn’t go to sleep, if one of their children was trying to finish a project.
3. There was an expectation for my effort and performance. Socially this was hard, and I was reminded of it frequently over the next few years when I would see kids I knew in the older grades, and they saw me. My parents wanted me to be grow for the future, not be comfortable in the present.

Family is the ultimate classroom. No matter where your child attends school, public, private or homeschool, the family will always be the most important part. No one will have as great an impact on the student’s learning as his or her parents. We need good teachers, and good school systems, but even the best academic institution cannot and should not try to replace the parents.

A recent study by the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop and the New America Foundation found that only a third of fourth-grade students read at their grade level. Of those only one in six qualify for free school lunches. The study found that the most important factor in their reading ability was parent and student interaction.

It makes sense though, right? If a child sees that reading is important and encouraged at home, then she is much more likely to want to read herself. Research shows a strong correlation between good academic performance and parents with college degrees. If a parent is engaged in the school process with his child, then the child is much more likely to want to excel.

So parents need to follow up with their children after school. Talk to them about what they learned. Show interest in them and their success by giving them your time and attention. Slow down and read with your kids, and ask them what they learned from the book.

In the Old Testament, we learn that Daniel and his friends were selected for their wisdom and understanding. But at least the four we know about, stayed true to the knowledge they received from their parents. They rejected the false traditions of the Babylonians and were blessed with even more knowledge.

Moses gave the charge to the Israelites to teach their children during the feasts. Their children hadn’t seen the Lord part the sea. God wanted the next generation to learn, that he has power to help them.

“And that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the Lord your God, as long as ye live in the land whither ye go over Jordan to possess it.” (Deut. 31:13)

Parents can’t assume someone else will teach their children, or that those teaching will always teach what’s right. The current curriculum may not be what you want your child to think is the gospel truth. God gave you those children, you have a solemn responsibility to teach them truth and virtue.

Over Thanksgiving, I had a special experience with my 5-year-old daughter. We went for a walk together through a lightly wooded area. I picked up a seed and talked about where it came from, how it became a tree and how that tree made more seeds. We climbed trees and talked a little about what trees “eat” and how they get energy from the sun. Then we told stories to each other about adventures in the woods. She won’t remember what I told her, but she will remember me taking time to be with her and how we asked questions about the world around us. I hope to have many more experiences like that with her and my other kids to make learning fun.

Next week: Family Virtues - Forgiveness and Mercy

Family Virtues – Civility

Abby listens to her sister Jessica read a book. Civility is
simply living the Golden Rule. Wouldn't you want someone
to be kind and respectful to you?

When I was in eighth grade, I had a friend that wanted to change positions on the football team. He wanted to play quarterback. I was a running back but knew our offense pretty well, so I offered to help him learn the plays and what the quarterbacks did on each play. He was appreciative of the offer, so we started talking about when and where to go over the plays. I suggested we could meet at my house since we had a fair amount of land. (We also had bushes perfectly spaced out to represent the offensive line. I’m not sure my parents knew I was using the plants for that purpose, but I digress.)

My friend stopped and looked at me, then said, “At your house?”

“Yeah, my house,” I replied.

“You mean I can go to your house?” He asked with a little hesitation.

“Yeah, of course you can.” I responded with a smile.

Then came the reason for his concern, “You mean your parents won’t mind that I’m black?”

I laughed a little and said, “No, my parents don’t care about that. You can come over anytime.”

In my mind, the color of his skin had not even been a thought. I was thinking he needed a ride or had some chores after school that kept him from being able to come to my house. My parents had raised me to love all people and pay attention to who they are on the inside, not what they looked like.

A civil society comes from civility being taught in the home. Laws can’t make people civil and officers can’t enforce respect. Civility is to be courteous, kind, and respectful of people, even if they are different from you.

Is civility really important though?

It apparently was important to the Savior. So important, in fact, that it’s part of the two great commandments.

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

 “This is the first and great commandment.

 “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matt. 22:37-39)

‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ sounds a lot like the Golden Rule. Isn’t that civility? Respecting others enough to treat them fairly – the way you want to be treated. Don’t we want others to be kind to us? Don’t we want others to be respectful to us? Don’t we want others to care about us?

Simply stated, a civil society follows the Golden Rule.

So how do families teach civility?

First of all, I think the parents must be civil with their own family. If father is rude to mother, it will be hard for his son to be polite to women. If mom is demeaning of father and other people, her daughter will have a hard time being kind to others she meets. If mother and father are disrespectful of other people and their own kids, we can hardly expect their kids to respect others, even their parents.

After working on these relationships, we should look around us and find ways to be courteous, kind and respectful to the people we come in contact with. Again, we should love our neighbor as ourselves, so love should be the motivation for this respect and kindness, not praise. Paul taught the Roman’s this important truth.

“We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

 “Let every one of us please his neighbor for his good to edification.” (Romans 15:1-2)

The Lord gives commandments like ‘love your neighbor,’ not for his enjoyment, but for ours. He knows that if we are respectful and kind to others, we will find joy in getting to know and love others.

I want to share a special challenge. Let Christmas be your excuse for going out of your way to get to know someone better, to be kind to people you don’t know well or rarely talk to. Let it be your gift to God. If you do, I pray the love he shared that first Christmas day will fill your soul. 

 Next Week: Family Virtues – Learning