Listening to Each Other

Resolving conflict takes more than a hug and,
"I'm sorry." You must listen to each other.

During one of my psychology classes in college, we had to read about a research study on happy marriage

relationships. The one claim that stood out to me, and irritated me for a long time, was that communication wasn’t necessary for a happy marriage. The researcher sited a couple that had been married for more than 50 years, and both described their relationship as being happy. The researcher observed that the couple didn’t talk very much and they acknowledged that they never held really long discussions.

What bothered me about this conclusion was the inference that all communication must come from the mouth. We say a lot with body language. I know pretty quickly after I walk in the door what kind of day my wife and kids are having, even if no one is talking or telling me about the day.

Especially when it comes to expressing feelings, not everyone does it through poems or elaborate orations. Some people just want to be close, while others want to buy things for the people they love. In a future post I want to discuss this more, but for now I think most of us know someone, or many people, that have a hard time expressing their feelings.

If you are married to someone like that, you have to listen a lot more closely.

When it’s hard to listen

I’d like to focus on when it’s hard to listen. Most of us are very happy listening to our spouse or kids when they are happy and sharing their love for us. It’s a lot more difficult to really listen when there is an argument. Just like muscles, relationships get stronger when we work through the struggles. Here are some rules for discussing problems. (I got these from a marriage class my wife and I took through the University of Idaho Extension. This is not the full list, just some highlights.)

·         Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready. However, the conversation may not happen if you don’t set a time, so have a goal you both will agree to keep.

·         Stay on Topic. If needed, write down your points of view and keep them in front of you. Bringing up the past will only open old wounds and destroy trust. If it doesn’t directly apply to the topic at hand, leave it for another discussion.

·         Don’t use violence, threaten, or use offensive language. All of these are tactics to belittle and hurt the other person. If resolution is what you are after, force isn’t going to get you there.

·         Seek to understand instead of argue. This requires you to listen and try to understand their point of view. Don’t plan your rebuttal while your spouse is talking. Give her a chance to speak and pay attention to what she has to say.

When it’s hard to talk

I want to expand the first point a little farther. Expressing how one feels is not easy for some people. For various reasons, some people have a hard time opening up. As a partner in your relationship, it’s important that you share what hurts as well as what feels good. I’m not talking about playing the blame game. I mean stating how you have been affected by something that happened. For example: It hurt my feelings that you decided to go play golf with your friend instead of helping me clean the garage.

You may need to do what Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great suggests. Get in the habit of taking 10 minutes to talk to each other about things other than work, family, what needs to get done or the relationship. This will help strengthen your marriage and your communication skills so you will be better prepared to talk during the hard times.

It’s important to talk when you are hurt because the other person may not even know what’s bothering you. What’s obvious to you may not even be considered relevant to the other person. I can’t change if I don’t know what I did wrong. Since we all come from different backgrounds, you can’t assume that everyone knows what’s appropriate or “right” in a marriage.

Sometimes you don’t want to hear what the other person is saying, and sometime you are worried about sharing something that is bothering you. But it’s in these difficult times that we grow stronger as individuals and as couples.

If you can listen to the problem, you might be part of the solution.

Next week: Dealing with Anger

Marriage = More than I Do’s

Me on my wedding day. Yes, I can fly.
"When you are the wind beneath my wings."

One night, after my wife and I had a disagreement, I came to an important realization: It doesn’t matter who started it or is at fault, I need to say, “I’m sorry.” This little nugget, though hard to follow at times, has helped us get through many problems. I find it really easy to feel justified in my cause and ready to stand up for myself, only to find out that I am standing in the way of progress in our relationship.

At marriage we often think of the wonderful times ahead. Not all wedding vows are the same, but I imagine most of them have a couple phrases in there about sticking together in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. When push comes to shove, sickness, poverty and other common problems tend to strain marital bonds and even break some.

My wife and I have only been married for seven and a half years. I am well aware I am not qualified to give marital advice. So I will start by saying I am leaning on the experience and wisdom of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B. Hinckley. I have quoted him before, and I think his book, “Standing For Something” is very useful, especially in our current times. (I am not affiliated or reimbursed for mentioning his book, it’s just really good.)

Mr. Hinckley outlines four cornerstones to a strong marriage, the explanations are my own. Marriage is the foundation for the family, so strengthening marriage will strengthen the family.

1. Mutual respect and loyalty to one another

I don’t know too many people that would disagree with this principle in theory. The practice is a little more difficult to agree on, especially in the heat of the moment. Do you belittle the other when you disagree with each other? Do you push a button because you know it will upset him/her? Do you vent frustrations with friends or family after an argument? Do you discount their opinion because they don’t know as much as you? Do you hold a grudge against your spouse for past arguments or deeds?

Each of those questions is either an aspect of respect or loyalty, or both. And our kids will follow suit. If parent’s have genuine respect for each other and are loyal to each other, they will know how to act in their marriage and with their parents. Saying I’m sorry, means I respect you enough to admit I was wrong. It also shows that you are loyal to the vows you made at the wedding ceremony.

2. The soft answer
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When two people get to know each other, they learn a lot about what will really upset the other. I wish every couple resolved never to use this knowledge against each other. Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. This is very applicable in marriage. Saying I’m sorry, instead of trying to win the argument, will allow tempers to settle and resolution become more feasible. It’s hard to work out a solution when you’re on the offensive.

3. Financial Honesty

Finances are a personal matter and each couple needs to agree on how they will handle finances for their family. Once they agree, they both need to adhere to that plan. Money can be a devastating thing in a marriage. When managed and put in perspective, it is a necessary tool in life.

4. Prayer

I have always treated my marriage as a three-way covenant between God, my wife and me. When God is an integral part of each day, as an individual and as a couple, you forge an even stronger bond as husband and wife. Pray for guidance, pray for help, pray for forgiveness, and combine your faith in Christ to stay happily married.

Mr. Hinckley shared the following quote in an article in 1999.

“Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort for your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another. Be excellent in every way.”

This is a poem I thought I would share. I wrote it for my wife just a couple months after we got married. It’s still true and I expect it will always be true, because I want to cherish her forever.

No sunset's glory, nor day dawn's view,

Could match the majesty found in you.

Every thoughtless glance in my direction,

Seems, with my heart, to make connection.

Your every wish is to me a command,

For I would risk it all to win your hand.

Even when we are miles apart,

You will always be in my heart.

Blissful laughter, abounding love and care,

Are some of the reasons for the love we share.

Next week:  Involving the family in service

Family Virtues – Honesty

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Don't wait for the Squirrel to point out a hollow tree.
Honesty will keep your tree strong.

President Abraham Lincoln once shared this story after hearing the distressing report of some Union officers giving precious information to the confederates.

A farmer had a majestic-looking shade tree near his house that was practically perfect – tall, straight. One morning while working outside, the farmer saw a squirrel run up the tree and into a hole. He proceeded to examine the tree carefully and, much to his surprise, he found the stately tree he had valued for it’s beauty, grandeur, and protection from the sun was hollow from top to bottom. Only a rim of sound wood remained, barely sufficient to support its weight. What could he do? If he cut it down, it would do great damage with its great length and spreading branches. If he let it remain, his family was in constant danger. In a storm it might fall, or the wind might blow it down and his house and children could be crushed by it.

When we lie and especially when we get an advantage by lying, we are like the farmer that allows the tree to stand. We see in the news many high-ranking officials and prominent people that have their world turned upside down because their lies are discovered. Their family and the public lose trust in them. A great wind had toppled the tree and they could only watch as it destroys their home. I often wonder if the family knew the tree was hollow? 

A book I read as a boy was Jimmy and the White Lie. Jimmy was playing one day and he hit a ball through his neighbor’s window. He goes inside and when asked what he was doing, tells a little lie. His white lie pops up on his shoulder, looking kind of like a marshmallow. Jimmy isn’t bothered by it because it is so small. But each time Jimmy has to tell another lie to cover his first lie and keep from getting into trouble, the lie on his shoulder gets bigger and bigger. Pretty soon Jimmy is struggling under the weight of this lie. When the lie is as big as his house, Jimmy finally tells the truth and is relieved to have the lie vanish and the burden gone. Jimmy still has to make up for the window, but he realizes that lying makes things worse.

What does lying do to our family? It destroys trust and makes everyone wonder what was real and what was a lie. Everything must be questioned because they can’t believe what you say or even what they saw you do. Like the farmers tree, lies become a threat to family and home when left unresolved. But like Jimmy, when we set the record straight, we lose the burden of the lie and can start to fix what we did. Of course some deceit will take a long time to heal, if ever, but we can change and try to build trust in ourselves and in others.

The Savior gave stern rebuke to the hypocrites, partly because they were lying to themselves and others. In public they put on a face of devotion and piety, but in private they only loved themselves. Their show was for praise of men, while their true self was not committed. Lying to yourself can have a damaging impact. If you can’t trust yourself, you will have a hard time trusting others.

If you have problems with lying or feel like you can’t trust yourself, there is hope. You can change and become a better person. While we can try to turn our lives around by ourselves, the process isn’t going to be complete without the Savior. Jesus Christ is the only way to fix the lies and our soul. When we call on His atoning grace we can find the strength to change.

And why should we change? So the tree of lies won’t crush our families and destroy the house of relationships.

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Next week: Family Virtues - Gratitude

Family Virtues – Love

Heart shaped, chocolate chip pancakes for Valentine's Day

I have six sisters and while we were growing up, they each took on the mothering role more often than I thought necessary. But they meant well and we are very close. In a family of 10, you have to be close.

So one day when I was probably 11 or 12, one of those mothering sisters taught me something. I was in a bad mood. Apparently I had been in a bad mood frequently during this time because one of my sisters said, “You don’t act this way around your friends. Why do you treat our family this way? Why do the ones you love get your worst behavior?”

 At the time, I just walked off and tried to ignore her. For some reason though, her comment struck me. If I love my family (which I truly always have) then why do I treat them like I don’t care about their feelings? Why do I consider my friend’s feelings before saying something, but not show the same courtesy to my own family?

We all are guilty of this at times, aren’t we? I have heard many times, that the ones you love most will hurt you the most. When we enter marriage, we promise fidelity, to honor and to protect our spouse. We pledge our heart to that person, and yet some hold back nothing when they have a disagreement. Parents have a solemn responsibility to nurture their children, but some will yell and berate their children.

So what does it mean to love? The two greatest commandments, Love God and Love your neighbor, are not just feelings. Christ said on those two commandments hang all the commandments and the prophets. This concept of love means a feeling and commitment that impacts how we direct our lives. In John 13:34-35 Christ councils,

“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

“By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

You will notice that he gave an example with this commandment: ‘as I have loved you.’ He set the example of love for us. How did he love others? He sat children on his knee. He healed the hurting and comforted those that were sad or afraid. He put others’ needs before his own.

So we can love our families more completely as we follow his example. We can take time out of our busy schedules to take our children in our laps and tell them we love them. We can take care of our family members when they get sick. We can cheer up the sad and sooth the troubled soul. Essentially, loving our family is putting their needs ahead of our own.

The beautiful part is that when we make this a habit in our homes, we will have a greater capacity to love others outside our home. With that love we will learn to love God even more. 

Next week: Family virtues – Honesty

Pattern of the Family

So what is the pattern of the family?
How should the family behave?

I believe family is ordained of God. He established it. Shortly after creating the first man and woman, he joined them together as the first couple.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Gen. 2: 24)

This means a husband and wife are to be completely loyal to each other and their relationship is paramount in their lives. God knew life was going to be difficult and so he gave Adam an help meet, Eve. Neither man nor woman was better than the other. (Corinthians 11:11)

God took a rib from Adam’s side, close to his heart, suggesting husband and wife should walk side by side through the trials of life. Woman wasn’t made from the foot or head, so she is not to be stepped on or domineering over man. Husband and wife need to help each other and strengthening each other. Becoming one flesh.

All too often we hear of divorces that break up families and cause great heartache. It isn’t for me to judge if a divorce is the right choice or not. The Savior taught an important lesson on this matter.

The Pharisees came to Jesus wanting to trap him in the law on this very subject. They asked him if it is lawful for a man to divorce “his wife for every cause.” Jesus responded by saying,

“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Matt. 19:5-6)

I think what Jesus was saying was, ‘Is this why God commanded you to marry: so you could divorce? Husbands and wives are supposed to be loyal and united. Don’t be so quick to end a relationship ordained by God.’

So what is the pattern of the family? How should the family behave? Paul taught the Ephesians the pattern very well, so I will summaries his words from Ephesians 5:22-6:4

To the women he counseled them to submit to their husbands. He didn’t say be ignorant or silent. He didn’t say you are worthless, but said to submit like they submit to the Lord. Or in other words, support your husband as he tries to lead the family in righteousness.

To the men he said to love your wife and sacrifice yourself for her sake. Love her like you love yourself. Cherish her and support her like the Lord cherishes and supports his people.

To the children he reminds them of the first of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise. “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land, which the Lord thy God giveth thee”. Remember: Obedience is better than sacrifice, or in other words saying ‘I will’ is better than saying ‘I’m sorry.’

Paul counseled the parent’s (he says fathers, but I’m sure it counts for mothers too) not to provoke their kids but to teach them about God. The best lessons are taught by example. Show them love and show them how to worship. Show your kids you are pleased with them by praising them like Heavenly Father praised Jesus in Matt. 3:17.

If we are to put the family in it’s proper place of priority in our lives, we need to follow this wise council.

“Put everything you do outside the home in subjection to and in support of what happens inside your home.” (Elder M. Russel Ballard, May Ensign 2011)

While I believe this is the pattern we should follow, it’s imperative that we work on our own family to implement this Godly pattern and let others work on theirs. Judge not that ye be not judged.

Next week: Success in the Home, Treasure in Heaven