Building a Stable Home

While I was dating my future wife in college, and our relationship progressed toward marriage, I started

Life is tough, but with a stable home, kids
can learn from those bumps.

thinking about the future. I had seen many marriages end in divorce and I didn’t want that to happen to me and my future family. So I asked for advice from a man I respected, whom I knew had been happily married for longer than I had been alive, and had successfully navigated financial, health and emotional struggles with his wife.

“So dad, how did you know you should marry mom?” I asked one evening. “What was it about her that convinced you she would be a lasting companion for you.”

“One thing I really respected about your mom was her emotional stability,” he responded. “I knew we needed that in our home.”

He also said that she had strengths where he had weaknesses, and vice versa. Like complementary colors, their strengths and weaknesses helped to create a stable home for me and my 9 siblings. Coincidentally, it was when I realized that my wife’s strengths would help strengthen my weaknesses that I knew I wanted to marry her.

Parental Balance

 In the years that followed, I learned that in order to make a stable home, it’s not enough to completely divide duties based on existing strengths. Sure it would be easy to say, ‘you are so good at cleaning the dishes, much better than me, so I’ll let you do it.’ Or one might be tempted to say, ‘I’m much better with the money, I’ll balance the checkbook and let you know what we can spend.’

Balance doesn’t come from conceding or taking control because of strengths, it comes as those with strength help the other develop strength. When we help someone grow, we grow too.

Another quick story, one day my dad was trying to get all our camping stuff to fit on a newly built shelf. We had more stuff than shelf and my dad and I were trying to figure out the puzzle. (Actually, I was more watching and providing moral support rather than moving anything, but I digress.) My dad is very analytical and thorough in his thought process. Even though his hands weren’t moving, I could see his mind working with the shapes and trying to figure out a solution. 

After some time, my mom came out and asked how it was going. After a brief explanation of little hope of getting all the stuff to fit, my mom suggested something obvious. My dad responded that he had tried it and even went through the trouble of trying it again while she stood there, explaining the problem that still remained. My mom was gifted with thinking outside the box and suggested something that I was sure wouldn’t work. I dismissed it and almost said as much but then my dad made a comment that showed he actually considered it. This led to him eventually figuring out how to solve his problem. 

I can’t tell you how many times I saw this happen but the pattern was consistent. Here is the simple pattern:

·         Dad analyzed the situation, worked on a problem (His strength).

·         If unsuccessful, mom would join and offer a solution, sometimes before fully understanding the problem (mother of 10, you can imagine she didn’t have time to look at every angle before needing to find a solution).

·         Dad respectfully acknowledged her suggestion, explained more details and continued to think about the problem.

·         Mom would help him think of another solution, one perhaps he wouldn’t have thought of because she took a different approach (her strength).

·         Dad and mom came to a good conclusion that solved the problem.

This seems easy, but I know practice is harder. Consider the frustration when a problem you have been working on seems insurmountable. Then to have someone, even a spouse, come and offer a solution that’s obvious. It’s easier to vent frustration at that person then to acknowledge their desire to help you. However, when we treat others with respect and love, we keep things in perspective and find solutions. Another reason we need to help each other improve is because the one with the strength may not always be around. When it’s dad’s duty to put the kids to bed because mom is not home, mom’s patience won’t help. Dad needs his own patience.

Effects of a Stable Home

Have you ever watched a movie that was constantly changing main characters? If you have you probably don’t remember what the movie was trying to convey, or have any attachment to any of the characters.

Or have you ever worked for a person that always changed the standards by which you were measured or the goals you were working for? If so, you probably found it hard to succeed because of the fluctuation of circumstances in your work.

So it’s not hard to imagine why divorce and uninvolved, inconsistent parents make it hard for kids to grow up to be committed, responsible adults.

Claire Kamp Dush, assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University, authored a study evaluating the development of kids in single and married homes. She found that kids who grew up in stable homes, married or single, fared better than kids that had unstable home lives. Even behavior problems were significantly less for kids in stable homes than unstable homes, regardless of race. Kamp Dush said that cognitive stimulation and emotional support were the only consistent advantages for children in married stable homes.

I’d say those are important benefits. I also say that it’s hard to establish a stable home when you are relying only on your strengths and weaknesses. You don’t have someone to help you improve and grow.

God gave Adam an help meet. I think that was to help them grow more than it was to help the garden grow. Together they grew and together they raised kids.

Next week: Listening to Each Other

Attitude with Children - The way we speak.

Recently, I’ve been doing a little experiment. But only I knew about it.

Here is the scenario. My kids, in particular my two boys (an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old), don’t always listen when you ask them to do things. Not only is that frustrating, but human nature says, “if that didn’t work, try saying it again, only louder.” I have done that many times and the volume I end up using sometimes is probably kin to shouting. (Let’s be perfectly clear, I never swear or use degrading language.) I start in a conversational tone, “Please pick up your toys.” Then I say it again with a little more volume and a little more body language. “Please PICK UP YOUR TOYS.” Finally, somewhere between a yell and scream while picking them up and putting them in front of their pile of toys on the floor, I exclaim, “PICK UP YOUR TOYS!”

The rest of the night goes about like this: I feel frustrated because I had to raise my voice, while also feeling justifies because the kids still aren’t listening. The kids are noticeably annoyed with me and are less than amiable with any further requests. In general the mood in the house becomes gloomy and testy and we all can’t wait for bed – well, I can’t wait for them to go to bed, and they don’t want to go to bed, but aren’t as interested in staying up since dad has a burr in his saddle.

So that’s how things would go some nights. It isn’t always that way, and sometimes we don’t always get to dinner before that episode would start, but I didn’t like it and I wanted to change what was going on. I thought long and hard about what I could say to motivate my kids to change their behavior. (Who needed to change, Ryan?) I hadn’t come up with a good answer and that only added to my frustration, but I noticed I needed to do something different.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  

So, back to my experiment. I was recently reminded of how a woman got the attention of a room full of rowdy kids, and it wasn’t by yelling, threatening or spanking. I was astonished the first time I saw it – actually, every time I saw it.

She quietly whispered.

I couldn’t hear her, at first, but very soon, all the kids quieted down because they wanted to hear what she was saying. So when I was reminded of this through a talk I heard last Sunday, I decided to try it. 

One morning, my 3 year old was in the blinds. I don’t know how many times we have said not to play in the blinds, but there he was doing it again. It did cross my mind to firmly remind him what we expected, but instead I tried saying as quietly and gently as possible, “Son, please get out of the blinds.” He did it right away! I almost gave him a high five and jumped in the air. (It’s the simple pleasures in life. J)

Another night, my daughter got up out of bed and had a few excuses for why she was out of bed. I didn’t change my position, but everything I said was soft and gentle. She didn’t get up anymore, and wasn’t upset with me when she went back in her room.

This actually works with grown-ups too. This blog talks about the “speak softly” technique. Think about it though, who likes to be yelled at or scolded for mistakes? When you think about how the Savior talked to those that came to him. He was clear direct, but respectful and kind. 

Unfortunately, our kids have picked up on this habit of getting louder to make your point. It may take some time to unlearn the bad habit I was teaching my kids.

I think the main take away is obvious: speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. That usually comes from changing your attitude about the situation. Initially I thought I needed to change their behavior, but I learned that as I changed my behavior, they followed suit.

Next week: Finding answers with God

Family Virtues – Honesty

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Don't wait for the Squirrel to point out a hollow tree.
Honesty will keep your tree strong.

President Abraham Lincoln once shared this story after hearing the distressing report of some Union officers giving precious information to the confederates.

A farmer had a majestic-looking shade tree near his house that was practically perfect – tall, straight. One morning while working outside, the farmer saw a squirrel run up the tree and into a hole. He proceeded to examine the tree carefully and, much to his surprise, he found the stately tree he had valued for it’s beauty, grandeur, and protection from the sun was hollow from top to bottom. Only a rim of sound wood remained, barely sufficient to support its weight. What could he do? If he cut it down, it would do great damage with its great length and spreading branches. If he let it remain, his family was in constant danger. In a storm it might fall, or the wind might blow it down and his house and children could be crushed by it.

When we lie and especially when we get an advantage by lying, we are like the farmer that allows the tree to stand. We see in the news many high-ranking officials and prominent people that have their world turned upside down because their lies are discovered. Their family and the public lose trust in them. A great wind had toppled the tree and they could only watch as it destroys their home. I often wonder if the family knew the tree was hollow? 

A book I read as a boy was Jimmy and the White Lie. Jimmy was playing one day and he hit a ball through his neighbor’s window. He goes inside and when asked what he was doing, tells a little lie. His white lie pops up on his shoulder, looking kind of like a marshmallow. Jimmy isn’t bothered by it because it is so small. But each time Jimmy has to tell another lie to cover his first lie and keep from getting into trouble, the lie on his shoulder gets bigger and bigger. Pretty soon Jimmy is struggling under the weight of this lie. When the lie is as big as his house, Jimmy finally tells the truth and is relieved to have the lie vanish and the burden gone. Jimmy still has to make up for the window, but he realizes that lying makes things worse.

What does lying do to our family? It destroys trust and makes everyone wonder what was real and what was a lie. Everything must be questioned because they can’t believe what you say or even what they saw you do. Like the farmers tree, lies become a threat to family and home when left unresolved. But like Jimmy, when we set the record straight, we lose the burden of the lie and can start to fix what we did. Of course some deceit will take a long time to heal, if ever, but we can change and try to build trust in ourselves and in others.

The Savior gave stern rebuke to the hypocrites, partly because they were lying to themselves and others. In public they put on a face of devotion and piety, but in private they only loved themselves. Their show was for praise of men, while their true self was not committed. Lying to yourself can have a damaging impact. If you can’t trust yourself, you will have a hard time trusting others.

If you have problems with lying or feel like you can’t trust yourself, there is hope. You can change and become a better person. While we can try to turn our lives around by ourselves, the process isn’t going to be complete without the Savior. Jesus Christ is the only way to fix the lies and our soul. When we call on His atoning grace we can find the strength to change.

And why should we change? So the tree of lies won’t crush our families and destroy the house of relationships.

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Next week: Family Virtues - Gratitude

The Importance of Mothers

Mothers are commonly seen as comforters
and caretakers. They make home a safe place
for God's children.

After breaking my nose at the end of my senior year of high school, I was to undergo surgery to get it put back into place. I had only been in surgery once before and it was uneventful. This experience however made a lasting impression on me. The surgery had gone well, and I was put in a room while the anesthesia wore off.

After some time, I woke and opened my eyes. To my horror, I couldn’t move my hands, arms, legs or feet. I couldn’t even move my head. I am sure my heart rate picked up as I wondered why I was suddenly paralyzed. I could see my mom waiting on a chair next to me, and I decided to close my eyes and relax a little.

After a few minutes, I opened my eyes and found I could move my head. I said one word, “Mom.” She immediately came to my side and asked what I wanted. All I could do was turn my hand over (which I was relieved to be able to do) and closed my eyes again. Comforted greatly by my mother’s presence.

This pattern of resting and slowly gaining more movement went on for what seemed like an hour, but that might just be because I was so anxious to get full mobility. There was no other person I wanted more than my mother at that moment.

I don’t imagine this is a foreign concept for most people. Mothers are commonly seen as comforters and caretakers. Moms are like God's secret service. Their activities are largely undocumented, their actions are timely and above all, they make home a safe place for God's children.

After God created man, he gave Adam the important task of naming all the animals. I am sure he had to look at them and study them to determine the proper name. We don’t have any rational for any of the other names, but when it came to naming the crown jewel of God’s creations, we are given the significance of her name,

“And Adam called his wife’s name Eve, because she was the mother of all living.” (Gen. 3:20)

Adam didn’t call her Beauty because she was only to look at. He didn’t call her Servant, because she was his slave. He didn’t even call her Trouble, because he shouldn’t have listened to her fruit preference. He chose what he saw as her most important role. They worked hard together; they mourned together and rejoiced together in raising their family.

Many in society belittle the role of women in building the home. In striving for equality, let’s remember that a mother in the home is as equally important as two in the workforce. If you remember the stats I shared in a previous post, mothers create stability in the home and provide crucial attention and nurturing for their children. Such stability reduces costly social problems.

While often unheralded, motherhood is the most influential position a woman can have. It was Moses’ mother, who risked her safety to give her son a chance to survive and thus changed the future of that nation. It was Hannah, the mother of Samuel, who taught him by example, to put the Lord first and prepared him for his later calling in life. You cannot overlook the great influence Mary had on the world, when she bore the son named Jesus Christ.

The Savior’s mission was to save mankind, but one of the final thoughts on his mind, while suffering on the cross, was of his mother.

 “Now there stood by the cross of Jesus his mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Cleophas, and Mary Magdalene.

“When Jesus therefore saw his mother, and the disciple standing by, whom he loved, he saith unto his mother, Woman, behold they son!

“Then saith he to the disciple, behold thy mother! And from that hour that disciple took her unto his own home. (John 19:25-27)

Like the Savior, let us follow his example and look after our mothers. Let them know how important they are in our lives. Like the Proverb says, a foolish man despiseth his mother. A wise son knows that when times are tough, a mother's strength can see you through.

Next Week: The Importance of Fathers