Family Culture

Each generation must learn who they are,
and then pass on a heritage for the next generation.
What legacy will you pass on?

A friend of mine from New Zealand named Henry Higgins, served a mission in Korea at the same time I did. He was always happy to talk about his Maori heritage. He beamed as he flashed his tongue, chanted the haka, and shared stories from their culture.

As a new missionary, I was also immersing myself in the Korean culture. I was learning about their language, their history, customs and traditions, which all seemed beautiful and wonderful to me. Since I was going to be serving them, I wanted to know a lot about them and I had a great love and respect for their culture. 

At this time, I was struggling with my own identity though. I had seen a few cultures first hand, in Mexico, Guatemala, Hawaii, now Korea, and I started to wonder about my own heritage. Did I have any cool dances passed down from generation to generation? Did I have any neat stories about courage and survival? Did I have a language my ancestors used to communicate their thoughts and feelings? 

Unfortunately, I felt a void and it made me sad.

After a while, I realized that I did have a great heritage (though I don’t think we have any cool dances like the Haka), and I had forgotten it. I do have great stories of survival and courage from ancestors.

I also realized the most important culture I have is not tied to blood lines but the blood of Christ. The gospel culture of rebirth, faith and devotion to God is a culture that has deeply influenced my family. It’s a culture of love, forgiveness and change through our merciful Lord and Redeemer. 

I know about my Christian culture, but how do I pass it along to my kids?

Share it with a Smile
When I asked Henry about the Haka, he smiled and told me about where it came from and what it meant and then offered to show me how to do it. He was often showing others and was happy to do it. Christians have the gospel or “good news,” and we should share it with a smile to our kids. When I tell my kids about the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I want to do it with a smile because of what it means to me. When I explain my reasons for moral and ethical values, I don’t want to pout. I want to gladly explain the reasons I want to live a better life.

Share it with a Song
Music and dance are often outward expressions of cultures around the world. We can put vigor and energy into them that goes beyond simple words. The crescendo in the national anthem stirs my heart and reminds me of my heritage every time I hear it. Similar feelings come when I sing Amazing Grace to my kids at night. My wife and I have set a tradition in our home to sing songs to our kids right before they go to sleep. It’s a nightly reminder of our Christian heritage. The songs I learned growing up became a strength to me when I was afraid, discouraged and struggling. I hope to pass that on to my kids, so they will know where true strength comes from.

Share it with Stories
Every culture I know of has some traditional story about how man was created and the world was formed. Whether it involves tigers or tides, they are passed on from generation to generation. Often they are symbolic of a balance of nature and unseen powers. Older members of the culture feel it a duty to share important events and concepts through stories to the younger generation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard David and Goliath, but I still love that story. I want my children to be very familiar with the Easter story, and many others from the scriptures. As I mentioned in an earlier post, children put themselves in the stories they hear. Tell them good stories from the Christian heritage and they will find the faith they need when they face their own Goliath.

Next week:  Attitude with Children

Family Virtues – Learning

Reading together improved literacy for the next generation.
Santa hats optional, but encouraged. :)

“How do you spell ‘accept’?” said my mother after an all night shift at the hospital and only a few hours of sleep. Even though I was young, I knew she was tired and if I waited long enough, she would fall asleep.

“A (pause) c (pause again) s (check her facial expressions to see if I messed up. Oh no, she’s shacking her head, try another letter.) c …” I would say it as slow as I could without making it obvious.

I remember spelling homework going like that frequently. My attempts to get out of homework diminished a lot having to repeat second grade after my original attempt. I was held back because I wasn’t performing like my parents knew I could. From that point on, I played less and focused more.

I want to point out a few things that I learned over the years from these experiences.

1. I went to school to learn, but my parents were going to follow up.
2. School was important enough that my mom would miss sleep to make sure I got my homework done. Over the years, this was true of both parents, as they wouldn’t go to sleep, if one of their children was trying to finish a project.
3. There was an expectation for my effort and performance. Socially this was hard, and I was reminded of it frequently over the next few years when I would see kids I knew in the older grades, and they saw me. My parents wanted me to be grow for the future, not be comfortable in the present.

Family is the ultimate classroom. No matter where your child attends school, public, private or homeschool, the family will always be the most important part. No one will have as great an impact on the student’s learning as his or her parents. We need good teachers, and good school systems, but even the best academic institution cannot and should not try to replace the parents.

A recent study by the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop and the New America Foundation found that only a third of fourth-grade students read at their grade level. Of those only one in six qualify for free school lunches. The study found that the most important factor in their reading ability was parent and student interaction.

It makes sense though, right? If a child sees that reading is important and encouraged at home, then she is much more likely to want to read herself. Research shows a strong correlation between good academic performance and parents with college degrees. If a parent is engaged in the school process with his child, then the child is much more likely to want to excel.

So parents need to follow up with their children after school. Talk to them about what they learned. Show interest in them and their success by giving them your time and attention. Slow down and read with your kids, and ask them what they learned from the book.

In the Old Testament, we learn that Daniel and his friends were selected for their wisdom and understanding. But at least the four we know about, stayed true to the knowledge they received from their parents. They rejected the false traditions of the Babylonians and were blessed with even more knowledge.

Moses gave the charge to the Israelites to teach their children during the feasts. Their children hadn’t seen the Lord part the sea. God wanted the next generation to learn, that he has power to help them.

“And that their children, which have not known any thing, may hear, and learn to fear the Lord your God, as long as ye live in the land whither ye go over Jordan to possess it.” (Deut. 31:13)

Parents can’t assume someone else will teach their children, or that those teaching will always teach what’s right. The current curriculum may not be what you want your child to think is the gospel truth. God gave you those children, you have a solemn responsibility to teach them truth and virtue.

Over Thanksgiving, I had a special experience with my 5-year-old daughter. We went for a walk together through a lightly wooded area. I picked up a seed and talked about where it came from, how it became a tree and how that tree made more seeds. We climbed trees and talked a little about what trees “eat” and how they get energy from the sun. Then we told stories to each other about adventures in the woods. She won’t remember what I told her, but she will remember me taking time to be with her and how we asked questions about the world around us. I hope to have many more experiences like that with her and my other kids to make learning fun.

Next week: Family Virtues - Forgiveness and Mercy

Family Virtues – Morality

Teach children early what's right and
what's wrong. I don't know what she's doing
but it looks like she got caught doing
something she wasn't supposed to do.

The following story comes from a book that I feel everyone should read (I get no credit or compensation for this mention, I just really like it.) It’s called Standing for Something by Gordon B. Hinckley. He shares the following experience of meeting a young man in an airport in South America. The young man was unkempt, unemployed and traveling in South America on his father’s money. He was a smart man and earnest and sincere as they talked. He told Mr. Hinckley that he wanted peace and freedom. He was using drugs to obtain that peace and believed the current moral standards gave him more freedom than Mr. Hinckley’s generation or any generation before it.

Having learned of Mr. Hinckley’s religious involvement during the introduction, he asked Mr. Hinckley how he could defend personal virtue and moral chastity.

“I shocked him when I declared that his freedom was a delusion, that his peace was a fraud, that they would be bought at great personal and social cost, and that I would tell him why.”

Mr. Hinckley didn’t get to tell him why because they were called to board their planes at that moment, but he outlines it thoroughly in his book. He says, “He represents a generation numbered in the millions who, in search of freedom from moral restraint and peace from guilty conscience, have sought to legitimize, even celebrate practices that enslave and debauch and, if left unchecked, will destroy not only individuals but also the nations of which they are a part.”

What are morals? And why are they so important to families and society?

Morals are defined by Webster dictionary as: “of or relating to principles of right and wrong behavior.” Our moral compass helps us decide what is wrong and right and guides our actions.

For families morals need to be consistent to give the children a standard to learn by and understand the world around them. Children in stable homes have greater advantages over children in unstable homes. If the morals that govern your home are constantly changing or don’t exist, there will not be stability in that home.

In a 1997 nationwide survey, 82 percent of adults who rated their marriage as “very strong” (9 or 10 on a 10-piont scale) did not have premarital sex. Divorce is 32 percent more likely if they do engage in premarital sex. I would say that’s a strong correlation. Strong morals are not debilitating or enslaving. Good morals make life easier because we know what is right and wrong already.

Society’s morals and standards are ever changing. It’s really hard to establish right and wrong if the standard you live by changes with the seasons. God has already set the standard and it doesn’t change. If society’s morals as a whole were stronger, many of the problems we see would be relieved.

Choose ye this day

It starts with us and our families. We must live a higher standard than what is shown on TV. It might help to turn off the TV. The standards shown on TV are society’s morals, not true morals. And if you don’t think it has an effect on your family consider how much companies pay for just 30 seconds during the Super Bowl? If they think they can change your purchasing behavior in 30 seconds, you are surely impacted by an hours of suggestive programming.  

The young man in the first story didn’t believe in answering for his choices or bridling his passions. He lived by what feels good now. Morals help us understand that choices bring consequences, even if it may not be immediate. Joshua was exactly right when he told his people to choose whom they would serve. By choosing not to serve God and live the standards he provides, we ultimately choose to serve the Devil. The addictions of society are a testament to his service.

So in order to have true, lasting freedom I stand with Joshua and say, “as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Next week: Family Virtues - Civility

The Importance of Fathers

Fathers need to be engaged in teaching and loving their children.

On summer while I was in high school, my father made finishing the basement a priority. He was not a builder by trade, but he never let lack of experience keep him from trying to improve our family’s situation. This project taught me many things, but one lesson has helped me a great deal over the years.

I don’t know why I wasn’t helping him one evening. But I heard him hammering, and a grunt of frustration soon followed. I walked in to see what was going on. I noticed the problem and saw the frustration evident in my father’s body language. He didn’t see me and I didn’t say anything. It looked like he was tensing up and ready to make a large hole in the shelves he was building to vent his anger. I watched to see if he would lose it on the shelves.

He didn’t lash out in anger.

I watched him bow his head, and take a couple deep breaths and then study his plans and study the situation to solve the problem.

There are a lot of details I have forgotten over the past 12 or 13 years, but I remember vividly the respect and honor I felt in seeing him control his emotion and calmly address the problem. There have been many times in my life when I felt frustration ready to explode in a rash of undesirable actions, but then I remembered my father’s example and I took a few deep breaths and tried again.

I believe the real importance of fathers in the family is to teach their sons to be men and show their daughters how a man should treat them.

I don’t define being a man the way society defines it. It’s not an age and it’s not a societal distinction that comes with a job. A man is a boy that has learned to love and respect others even if they are different from him. A man is honest with everyone including himself. A man lives the morals and ethics he believes in. A real man accepts responsibility and sacrifices when necessary to fulfill those responsibilities. I believe faith in God is also necessary to fulfill the true measure of a man.

A man is not afraid to love and show that love to his family. One of my favorite parables is the Prodigal Son parable. When the younger son decided to rebel, the father didn’t lock him in his room. He did what was just and allowed his son to learn from his mistakes. But the part that touches my heart every time is in Luke 15:20

“And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck and kissed him.”

In my mind, this means the father was still hoping his son would come back and was looking into the distance for his son’s return. He didn’t harbor any bad feelings, he didn’t go inside and wait for him to come crawling for forgiveness. He ran to meet him. He loved his son and he let it show in how he treated him, even though the son didn’t feel like he deserved it.

As a father, I know that I must love and respect my wife if I want my daughter to know how she should be treated. I know that my sons are watching how I treat their mother and I need to be respectful, so they will do accordingly.

Father’s have the charge to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) That means we need to look after their well being, beyond just putting food on the table. Fathers need to be engaged in teaching and loving their children. Admonition means a gentle reproof or counsel against fault. Fathers should be fair and consistent, never handing out punishment in anger or abuse.

A father isn’t perfect, and I would never claim to be even close to perfect. But when a father leads by example and is honest, loyal, loving and respectful, he provides more than shelter and clothing. He teaches his kids how to make their own home.

Next week: Learning from children

Pattern of the Family

So what is the pattern of the family?
How should the family behave?

I believe family is ordained of God. He established it. Shortly after creating the first man and woman, he joined them together as the first couple.

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Gen. 2: 24)

This means a husband and wife are to be completely loyal to each other and their relationship is paramount in their lives. God knew life was going to be difficult and so he gave Adam an help meet, Eve. Neither man nor woman was better than the other. (Corinthians 11:11)

God took a rib from Adam’s side, close to his heart, suggesting husband and wife should walk side by side through the trials of life. Woman wasn’t made from the foot or head, so she is not to be stepped on or domineering over man. Husband and wife need to help each other and strengthening each other. Becoming one flesh.

All too often we hear of divorces that break up families and cause great heartache. It isn’t for me to judge if a divorce is the right choice or not. The Savior taught an important lesson on this matter.

The Pharisees came to Jesus wanting to trap him in the law on this very subject. They asked him if it is lawful for a man to divorce “his wife for every cause.” Jesus responded by saying,

“For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

“Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Matt. 19:5-6)

I think what Jesus was saying was, ‘Is this why God commanded you to marry: so you could divorce? Husbands and wives are supposed to be loyal and united. Don’t be so quick to end a relationship ordained by God.’

So what is the pattern of the family? How should the family behave? Paul taught the Ephesians the pattern very well, so I will summaries his words from Ephesians 5:22-6:4

To the women he counseled them to submit to their husbands. He didn’t say be ignorant or silent. He didn’t say you are worthless, but said to submit like they submit to the Lord. Or in other words, support your husband as he tries to lead the family in righteousness.

To the men he said to love your wife and sacrifice yourself for her sake. Love her like you love yourself. Cherish her and support her like the Lord cherishes and supports his people.

To the children he reminds them of the first of the Ten Commandments that comes with a promise. “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land, which the Lord thy God giveth thee”. Remember: Obedience is better than sacrifice, or in other words saying ‘I will’ is better than saying ‘I’m sorry.’

Paul counseled the parent’s (he says fathers, but I’m sure it counts for mothers too) not to provoke their kids but to teach them about God. The best lessons are taught by example. Show them love and show them how to worship. Show your kids you are pleased with them by praising them like Heavenly Father praised Jesus in Matt. 3:17.

If we are to put the family in it’s proper place of priority in our lives, we need to follow this wise council.

“Put everything you do outside the home in subjection to and in support of what happens inside your home.” (Elder M. Russel Ballard, May Ensign 2011)

While I believe this is the pattern we should follow, it’s imperative that we work on our own family to implement this Godly pattern and let others work on theirs. Judge not that ye be not judged.

Next week: Success in the Home, Treasure in Heaven