Marriage = More than I Do’s

Me on my wedding day. Yes, I can fly.
"When you are the wind beneath my wings."

One night, after my wife and I had a disagreement, I came to an important realization: It doesn’t matter who started it or is at fault, I need to say, “I’m sorry.” This little nugget, though hard to follow at times, has helped us get through many problems. I find it really easy to feel justified in my cause and ready to stand up for myself, only to find out that I am standing in the way of progress in our relationship.

At marriage we often think of the wonderful times ahead. Not all wedding vows are the same, but I imagine most of them have a couple phrases in there about sticking together in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. When push comes to shove, sickness, poverty and other common problems tend to strain marital bonds and even break some.

My wife and I have only been married for seven and a half years. I am well aware I am not qualified to give marital advice. So I will start by saying I am leaning on the experience and wisdom of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B. Hinckley. I have quoted him before, and I think his book, “Standing For Something” is very useful, especially in our current times. (I am not affiliated or reimbursed for mentioning his book, it’s just really good.)

Mr. Hinckley outlines four cornerstones to a strong marriage, the explanations are my own. Marriage is the foundation for the family, so strengthening marriage will strengthen the family.

1. Mutual respect and loyalty to one another

I don’t know too many people that would disagree with this principle in theory. The practice is a little more difficult to agree on, especially in the heat of the moment. Do you belittle the other when you disagree with each other? Do you push a button because you know it will upset him/her? Do you vent frustrations with friends or family after an argument? Do you discount their opinion because they don’t know as much as you? Do you hold a grudge against your spouse for past arguments or deeds?

Each of those questions is either an aspect of respect or loyalty, or both. And our kids will follow suit. If parent’s have genuine respect for each other and are loyal to each other, they will know how to act in their marriage and with their parents. Saying I’m sorry, means I respect you enough to admit I was wrong. It also shows that you are loyal to the vows you made at the wedding ceremony.

2. The soft answer
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When two people get to know each other, they learn a lot about what will really upset the other. I wish every couple resolved never to use this knowledge against each other. Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. This is very applicable in marriage. Saying I’m sorry, instead of trying to win the argument, will allow tempers to settle and resolution become more feasible. It’s hard to work out a solution when you’re on the offensive.

3. Financial Honesty

Finances are a personal matter and each couple needs to agree on how they will handle finances for their family. Once they agree, they both need to adhere to that plan. Money can be a devastating thing in a marriage. When managed and put in perspective, it is a necessary tool in life.

4. Prayer

I have always treated my marriage as a three-way covenant between God, my wife and me. When God is an integral part of each day, as an individual and as a couple, you forge an even stronger bond as husband and wife. Pray for guidance, pray for help, pray for forgiveness, and combine your faith in Christ to stay happily married.

Mr. Hinckley shared the following quote in an article in 1999.

“Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort for your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another. Be excellent in every way.”

This is a poem I thought I would share. I wrote it for my wife just a couple months after we got married. It’s still true and I expect it will always be true, because I want to cherish her forever.

No sunset's glory, nor day dawn's view,

Could match the majesty found in you.

Every thoughtless glance in my direction,

Seems, with my heart, to make connection.

Your every wish is to me a command,

For I would risk it all to win your hand.

Even when we are miles apart,

You will always be in my heart.

Blissful laughter, abounding love and care,

Are some of the reasons for the love we share.

Next week:  Involving the family in service

Learning through parables

Children usually put themselves into the story, often as the
main character, and think about how they would act.

One night as we drove home from some errands, my kids asked me to tell a story. Earlier in the day, I had tried to explain why it’s important not to fake being hurt or tell adults something was wrong when it really wasn’t. So I used this opportunity to tell my kids about the boy who cried wolf. I explained that the boy only cried wolf the first two times because he was bored and wanted to see what the town’s people would do. But the third time, when the wolf really came, the people didn’t believe him and came after it was too late.

While the motive was good, my 5-year-old daughter didn’t think so much about the moral as she did about the wolf. For the next week or two we were answering a lot of questions about wolves and reassuring her there weren’t any wolves in our area. Our 3-year-old son hasn’t stopped talking about fighting wolves since then.

While my story is not a model of success, it helps to illustrate a couple points about teaching through parables.

1. Puts things into perspective

A parable is generally a story that takes divine or eternal truth and compares it to things that are material or physical in nature. Jesus did this to help people grasp the concept and make it plain to understand (for some, which we will cover next).

My favorite story of teaching through parables actually comes from the Old Testament. Shortly after King David lost control of his will power and made a series of bad decisions that lead to his falling from favor with the Lord, Nathan the prophet shows up. While he had every right to launch into a stern rebuke and give David a tongue lashing he wouldn’t soon forget, he didn’t. He started by telling David a story about two men with sheep. One had many sheep and was a very rich man. The other was a poor man with only one sheep, but he loved it very much. The rich man takes the poor man’s sheep and serves it to some guests, instead of killing one of his own sheep. David was outraged and was ready to have the rich man killed for this abomination.

Nathan’s response was “Thou art the man,” (2 Samuel 12:7) and then he delivered the rebuke. So why did Nathan start with a story? It made David put things into perspective. Instead of David immediately putting up defenses and excuses, he acted as his own judge. When the names were revealed, David realized he had no excuse for his actions.

We can use stories to help our kids understand principles that would otherwise be over their heads, or difficult to understand. Through comparisons with things that are familiar, unfamiliar concepts come to life.

2. Allows for deeper understanding

As we learn in the scriptures, Jesus used parables so those that had ears to hear could hear, while keeping those that only wanted to argue were deaf to the truth. The parables can be understood very simply as a story. Then as you think about the story and think about the setting, the characters and plot, you begin to understand more about how they feel and what is important about the story. For those that take time to think about the story, the meaning becomes clear and the truth is evident. For those that don’t believe, the story is elementary and doesn’t deserve any more thought.

When teaching children, I would suggest following the Savior’s example. After he told the parables, his disciples didn’t always understand what he meant by it. So Jesus would discuss it with them and help them understand. We need to talk about the stories we tell and where the truth in the story lies. The wise man didn’t just build on a hard surface; he built his life on the Rock of Salvation and lived according to His teachings. Ask them questions and find out what they understand, and then you know where to add perspective.

3. Provides an opportunity for application of principles

As a social worker and psychotherapist, Betty J. Freedson explains that kids see themselves in stories. They identify with characters and internalize the message, which will seem like inner wisdom later on. In other words, they have put themselves in the position of the main character and faced a decision in their minds, long before they have to face it in real life.

My kids showed this that night when I told them about the boy who cried wolf. They were fixed on trying to figure out what they would do if they had to face a wolf. They put themselves in the story as the main character. It was up to me to help them understand that the problem wasn’t the wolf, because others would come and help, if the boy would just tell the truth.

The main point is that parents can’t just leave it at the story. Parables contain truth that never dies, it just has to be applied. Parents have to help their kids learn the application, which will help them in the future as they find other applications.

Next week: Marriage = More than I Do’s

Family Virtues – Morality

Teach children early what's right and
what's wrong. I don't know what she's doing
but it looks like she got caught doing
something she wasn't supposed to do.

The following story comes from a book that I feel everyone should read (I get no credit or compensation for this mention, I just really like it.) It’s called Standing for Something by Gordon B. Hinckley. He shares the following experience of meeting a young man in an airport in South America. The young man was unkempt, unemployed and traveling in South America on his father’s money. He was a smart man and earnest and sincere as they talked. He told Mr. Hinckley that he wanted peace and freedom. He was using drugs to obtain that peace and believed the current moral standards gave him more freedom than Mr. Hinckley’s generation or any generation before it.

Having learned of Mr. Hinckley’s religious involvement during the introduction, he asked Mr. Hinckley how he could defend personal virtue and moral chastity.

“I shocked him when I declared that his freedom was a delusion, that his peace was a fraud, that they would be bought at great personal and social cost, and that I would tell him why.”

Mr. Hinckley didn’t get to tell him why because they were called to board their planes at that moment, but he outlines it thoroughly in his book. He says, “He represents a generation numbered in the millions who, in search of freedom from moral restraint and peace from guilty conscience, have sought to legitimize, even celebrate practices that enslave and debauch and, if left unchecked, will destroy not only individuals but also the nations of which they are a part.”

What are morals? And why are they so important to families and society?

Morals are defined by Webster dictionary as: “of or relating to principles of right and wrong behavior.” Our moral compass helps us decide what is wrong and right and guides our actions.

For families morals need to be consistent to give the children a standard to learn by and understand the world around them. Children in stable homes have greater advantages over children in unstable homes. If the morals that govern your home are constantly changing or don’t exist, there will not be stability in that home.

In a 1997 nationwide survey, 82 percent of adults who rated their marriage as “very strong” (9 or 10 on a 10-piont scale) did not have premarital sex. Divorce is 32 percent more likely if they do engage in premarital sex. I would say that’s a strong correlation. Strong morals are not debilitating or enslaving. Good morals make life easier because we know what is right and wrong already.

Society’s morals and standards are ever changing. It’s really hard to establish right and wrong if the standard you live by changes with the seasons. God has already set the standard and it doesn’t change. If society’s morals as a whole were stronger, many of the problems we see would be relieved.

Choose ye this day

It starts with us and our families. We must live a higher standard than what is shown on TV. It might help to turn off the TV. The standards shown on TV are society’s morals, not true morals. And if you don’t think it has an effect on your family consider how much companies pay for just 30 seconds during the Super Bowl? If they think they can change your purchasing behavior in 30 seconds, you are surely impacted by an hours of suggestive programming.  

The young man in the first story didn’t believe in answering for his choices or bridling his passions. He lived by what feels good now. Morals help us understand that choices bring consequences, even if it may not be immediate. Joshua was exactly right when he told his people to choose whom they would serve. By choosing not to serve God and live the standards he provides, we ultimately choose to serve the Devil. The addictions of society are a testament to his service.

So in order to have true, lasting freedom I stand with Joshua and say, “as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Next week: Family Virtues - Civility

Family Virtues – Honesty

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Don't wait for the Squirrel to point out a hollow tree.
Honesty will keep your tree strong.

President Abraham Lincoln once shared this story after hearing the distressing report of some Union officers giving precious information to the confederates.

A farmer had a majestic-looking shade tree near his house that was practically perfect – tall, straight. One morning while working outside, the farmer saw a squirrel run up the tree and into a hole. He proceeded to examine the tree carefully and, much to his surprise, he found the stately tree he had valued for it’s beauty, grandeur, and protection from the sun was hollow from top to bottom. Only a rim of sound wood remained, barely sufficient to support its weight. What could he do? If he cut it down, it would do great damage with its great length and spreading branches. If he let it remain, his family was in constant danger. In a storm it might fall, or the wind might blow it down and his house and children could be crushed by it.

When we lie and especially when we get an advantage by lying, we are like the farmer that allows the tree to stand. We see in the news many high-ranking officials and prominent people that have their world turned upside down because their lies are discovered. Their family and the public lose trust in them. A great wind had toppled the tree and they could only watch as it destroys their home. I often wonder if the family knew the tree was hollow? 

A book I read as a boy was Jimmy and the White Lie. Jimmy was playing one day and he hit a ball through his neighbor’s window. He goes inside and when asked what he was doing, tells a little lie. His white lie pops up on his shoulder, looking kind of like a marshmallow. Jimmy isn’t bothered by it because it is so small. But each time Jimmy has to tell another lie to cover his first lie and keep from getting into trouble, the lie on his shoulder gets bigger and bigger. Pretty soon Jimmy is struggling under the weight of this lie. When the lie is as big as his house, Jimmy finally tells the truth and is relieved to have the lie vanish and the burden gone. Jimmy still has to make up for the window, but he realizes that lying makes things worse.

What does lying do to our family? It destroys trust and makes everyone wonder what was real and what was a lie. Everything must be questioned because they can’t believe what you say or even what they saw you do. Like the farmers tree, lies become a threat to family and home when left unresolved. But like Jimmy, when we set the record straight, we lose the burden of the lie and can start to fix what we did. Of course some deceit will take a long time to heal, if ever, but we can change and try to build trust in ourselves and in others.

The Savior gave stern rebuke to the hypocrites, partly because they were lying to themselves and others. In public they put on a face of devotion and piety, but in private they only loved themselves. Their show was for praise of men, while their true self was not committed. Lying to yourself can have a damaging impact. If you can’t trust yourself, you will have a hard time trusting others.

If you have problems with lying or feel like you can’t trust yourself, there is hope. You can change and become a better person. While we can try to turn our lives around by ourselves, the process isn’t going to be complete without the Savior. Jesus Christ is the only way to fix the lies and our soul. When we call on His atoning grace we can find the strength to change.

And why should we change? So the tree of lies won’t crush our families and destroy the house of relationships.

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Next week: Family Virtues - Gratitude