Marriage = More than I Do’s

Me on my wedding day. Yes, I can fly.
"When you are the wind beneath my wings."

One night, after my wife and I had a disagreement, I came to an important realization: It doesn’t matter who started it or is at fault, I need to say, “I’m sorry.” This little nugget, though hard to follow at times, has helped us get through many problems. I find it really easy to feel justified in my cause and ready to stand up for myself, only to find out that I am standing in the way of progress in our relationship.

At marriage we often think of the wonderful times ahead. Not all wedding vows are the same, but I imagine most of them have a couple phrases in there about sticking together in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. When push comes to shove, sickness, poverty and other common problems tend to strain marital bonds and even break some.

My wife and I have only been married for seven and a half years. I am well aware I am not qualified to give marital advice. So I will start by saying I am leaning on the experience and wisdom of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B. Hinckley. I have quoted him before, and I think his book, “Standing For Something” is very useful, especially in our current times. (I am not affiliated or reimbursed for mentioning his book, it’s just really good.)

Mr. Hinckley outlines four cornerstones to a strong marriage, the explanations are my own. Marriage is the foundation for the family, so strengthening marriage will strengthen the family.

1. Mutual respect and loyalty to one another

I don’t know too many people that would disagree with this principle in theory. The practice is a little more difficult to agree on, especially in the heat of the moment. Do you belittle the other when you disagree with each other? Do you push a button because you know it will upset him/her? Do you vent frustrations with friends or family after an argument? Do you discount their opinion because they don’t know as much as you? Do you hold a grudge against your spouse for past arguments or deeds?

Each of those questions is either an aspect of respect or loyalty, or both. And our kids will follow suit. If parent’s have genuine respect for each other and are loyal to each other, they will know how to act in their marriage and with their parents. Saying I’m sorry, means I respect you enough to admit I was wrong. It also shows that you are loyal to the vows you made at the wedding ceremony.

2. The soft answer
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When two people get to know each other, they learn a lot about what will really upset the other. I wish every couple resolved never to use this knowledge against each other. Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. This is very applicable in marriage. Saying I’m sorry, instead of trying to win the argument, will allow tempers to settle and resolution become more feasible. It’s hard to work out a solution when you’re on the offensive.

3. Financial Honesty

Finances are a personal matter and each couple needs to agree on how they will handle finances for their family. Once they agree, they both need to adhere to that plan. Money can be a devastating thing in a marriage. When managed and put in perspective, it is a necessary tool in life.

4. Prayer

I have always treated my marriage as a three-way covenant between God, my wife and me. When God is an integral part of each day, as an individual and as a couple, you forge an even stronger bond as husband and wife. Pray for guidance, pray for help, pray for forgiveness, and combine your faith in Christ to stay happily married.

Mr. Hinckley shared the following quote in an article in 1999.

“Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort for your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another. Be excellent in every way.”

This is a poem I thought I would share. I wrote it for my wife just a couple months after we got married. It’s still true and I expect it will always be true, because I want to cherish her forever.

No sunset's glory, nor day dawn's view,

Could match the majesty found in you.

Every thoughtless glance in my direction,

Seems, with my heart, to make connection.

Your every wish is to me a command,

For I would risk it all to win your hand.

Even when we are miles apart,

You will always be in my heart.

Blissful laughter, abounding love and care,

Are some of the reasons for the love we share.

Next week:  Involving the family in service

Family Virtues – Thrift and Industry

My daughter and I work on planting flowers
in front of our house.

I am the youngest of 10 children. My siblings joke that I got everything. I did get everything, right after they grew out of it or didn’t use it anymore. Hand-me-downs and left overs were common fair growing up. While I was not oblivious to our situation – my friends often asked me to come to their houses because they had better toys – I didn’t feel cheated or unfortunate. There was always something to do, work to be done and family around.

Thrift

At least initially, thrift brings to mind pinching pennies and hording money instead of having fun on a whim. While that may be the case, thrift can also mean creativity and patience. Let me explain.

One day when I was probably 11 or 12, I wanted to build an extensive wildlife model for my expert project. I was going to present to my class about big cats (lions and tigers and leopards, oh my!). I wanted to have a really cool show-and-tell to make my presentation awesome. I had the cat figurines, but I needed to make the rest of it. My mom was great when it came to encouraging my creativity. If I said I wanted to fly to the moon, her response would have been, “OK, let’s see how we can make that happen.”  Then she would help me come up with ways to create my own adventure.

With this project I wanted everything to look authentic, so I wasn’t really excited about going outside and collecting the branches, sand, and rocks to recreate my scenery. I thought to myself, can’t we go to the store and buy some cool scenery to help with this project, instead of dumping dirt in a cardboard box. However, I knew that wasn’t necessary and as we looked at pictures and put the model scenery together, I was even more excited about my project.

We see all around us the woes of people and organizations that can’t spell budget, much less live by one. Girls and boys who grow up saving, planning and creating with what they have, will know how to live within their means later in life. Those boys and girls will know that money doesn’t solve problems, but is a resource to be used wisely.

Children that learn to save and be thrifty will learn patience, goal setting, self-reliance and even creativity (if they try to do more with less). We could use a lot more of that in our society.

Industry

Work is a four-letter word, but it’s a good one. A family that works together has a strong future. They not only will provide for their own needs, but they will establish habits that will bless their lives, and future generations, for years to come.

I always admired my dad’s work ethic. He never seemed to quit. The sun quit long before he did, so he brought out lights so he could keep on working. In my early teen years, I considered it a great accomplishment if I could outlast my dad in working outside.

His example also taught me to learn and apply that knowledge to overcome obstacles in life, whether it’s car troubles, acquiring skills or just persevering when times got tough. I know when I need to pay an expert, but even then I ask questions and try to find ways I can work out my own problems.

We’ve all heard the saying: Give a man a fish and he will get hungry again. Teach a man to fish and he will never go hungry. Parents are responsible for teaching their children to fish. Boys and girls should know how to work and even find joy in their labor.

My niece pitches in to dig a trench for a sprinkler system.

Work is empowering and builds confidence. Work will also help them get through tough times, because it gives them something to focus on rather than self-pity and will lead them to a solution. Our great nation was built with hard work, and has survived disaster through hard work. Don’t let your family be a stranger to industry.

In his autobiography, Benjamin Franklin summarized well the importance of thrift and industry. He said:

“Waste neither time nor money, but make the best use of both. He that gets all he can honestly, and saves all he gets (necessary expenses excepted) will certainly become rich; if that Being who governs the world, to whom all should look for a blessing on their honest endeavors, doth not in his wise providence otherwise determine.”

God will richly bless families that save and work together with more than just worldly wealth. In the parable of the talents, the servants that put the money to good use and worked hard were given more. The one who hid his money and didn’t put it to good use, was scolded for being slothful and had his talent taken away. The first two servants not only became rulers of many things, they also gained knowledge no one can take away.

Next Week: Family Virtues – Optimism