Family Virtues – Gratitude

Bonnie Ware is a nurse that takes care of terminally ill patients. She often asks these people, who are often within a month or two of death, a simple but thought provoking question.

Do you have any regrets?

Her patients would open their hearts as they reflected on their lives. I would like to focus on one remark that has helped me be more thankful.

I wish I had let myself be happier

One regret of these dying patients was they wished they had let themselves be happier. I was surprised when I first read this because it suggests that we are the only ones keeping us from that happiness.

They didn’t say, ‘I wish I had bought more things to make me happy.’ They didn’t say, ‘I wish I had better kids that would have made me happy.’ They didn’t even say, ‘I wish I had a lot more money, then I would have been happy.’ These people in a state of physical decline had a perspective of clarity about who was really in charge of their happiness.

So how can we be happier about what we have now? I think gratitude is the key.

When we think there is something missing that makes us pity ourselves, that is the best time to count your blessings. When money is tight and you can’t do the fun things you like to do, it may be a blessing to help you realize the joy already around you.

When my wife and I were first married, we didn’t make very much money because both of us were still in school. We didn’t go out to eat very much and almost all of our furniture was hand-me-down or second hand. We weren’t sad though. We had what we needed and enjoyed the simplicity in our lives.

Another way to improve gratitude and happiness is to serve others. I believe it’s hard to realize what you have until it’s lost. If you can serve someone that has lost someone or something important, that service will help put your own life into perspective.

One year our Scout troop went to a homeless shelter to feed people Thanksgiving dinner. I felt like I was helping others and I realized how blessed I was. This experience didn’t make me think less of the people I was serving, it gave me love for them and happiness in my soul.

This Thanksgiving and Christmas Season, give your family the gift of gratitude by finding joy in simple things that don’t have a price tag (like time together) and serve others. As you count your blessings, it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Family Virtues – Honesty

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Don't wait for the Squirrel to point out a hollow tree.
Honesty will keep your tree strong.

President Abraham Lincoln once shared this story after hearing the distressing report of some Union officers giving precious information to the confederates.

A farmer had a majestic-looking shade tree near his house that was practically perfect – tall, straight. One morning while working outside, the farmer saw a squirrel run up the tree and into a hole. He proceeded to examine the tree carefully and, much to his surprise, he found the stately tree he had valued for it’s beauty, grandeur, and protection from the sun was hollow from top to bottom. Only a rim of sound wood remained, barely sufficient to support its weight. What could he do? If he cut it down, it would do great damage with its great length and spreading branches. If he let it remain, his family was in constant danger. In a storm it might fall, or the wind might blow it down and his house and children could be crushed by it.

When we lie and especially when we get an advantage by lying, we are like the farmer that allows the tree to stand. We see in the news many high-ranking officials and prominent people that have their world turned upside down because their lies are discovered. Their family and the public lose trust in them. A great wind had toppled the tree and they could only watch as it destroys their home. I often wonder if the family knew the tree was hollow? 

A book I read as a boy was Jimmy and the White Lie. Jimmy was playing one day and he hit a ball through his neighbor’s window. He goes inside and when asked what he was doing, tells a little lie. His white lie pops up on his shoulder, looking kind of like a marshmallow. Jimmy isn’t bothered by it because it is so small. But each time Jimmy has to tell another lie to cover his first lie and keep from getting into trouble, the lie on his shoulder gets bigger and bigger. Pretty soon Jimmy is struggling under the weight of this lie. When the lie is as big as his house, Jimmy finally tells the truth and is relieved to have the lie vanish and the burden gone. Jimmy still has to make up for the window, but he realizes that lying makes things worse.

What does lying do to our family? It destroys trust and makes everyone wonder what was real and what was a lie. Everything must be questioned because they can’t believe what you say or even what they saw you do. Like the farmers tree, lies become a threat to family and home when left unresolved. But like Jimmy, when we set the record straight, we lose the burden of the lie and can start to fix what we did. Of course some deceit will take a long time to heal, if ever, but we can change and try to build trust in ourselves and in others.

The Savior gave stern rebuke to the hypocrites, partly because they were lying to themselves and others. In public they put on a face of devotion and piety, but in private they only loved themselves. Their show was for praise of men, while their true self was not committed. Lying to yourself can have a damaging impact. If you can’t trust yourself, you will have a hard time trusting others.

If you have problems with lying or feel like you can’t trust yourself, there is hope. You can change and become a better person. While we can try to turn our lives around by ourselves, the process isn’t going to be complete without the Savior. Jesus Christ is the only way to fix the lies and our soul. When we call on His atoning grace we can find the strength to change.

And why should we change? So the tree of lies won’t crush our families and destroy the house of relationships.

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Next week: Family Virtues - Gratitude

Family Virtues – Love

Heart shaped, chocolate chip pancakes for Valentine's Day

I have six sisters and while we were growing up, they each took on the mothering role more often than I thought necessary. But they meant well and we are very close. In a family of 10, you have to be close.

So one day when I was probably 11 or 12, one of those mothering sisters taught me something. I was in a bad mood. Apparently I had been in a bad mood frequently during this time because one of my sisters said, “You don’t act this way around your friends. Why do you treat our family this way? Why do the ones you love get your worst behavior?”

 At the time, I just walked off and tried to ignore her. For some reason though, her comment struck me. If I love my family (which I truly always have) then why do I treat them like I don’t care about their feelings? Why do I consider my friend’s feelings before saying something, but not show the same courtesy to my own family?

We all are guilty of this at times, aren’t we? I have heard many times, that the ones you love most will hurt you the most. When we enter marriage, we promise fidelity, to honor and to protect our spouse. We pledge our heart to that person, and yet some hold back nothing when they have a disagreement. Parents have a solemn responsibility to nurture their children, but some will yell and berate their children.

So what does it mean to love? The two greatest commandments, Love God and Love your neighbor, are not just feelings. Christ said on those two commandments hang all the commandments and the prophets. This concept of love means a feeling and commitment that impacts how we direct our lives. In John 13:34-35 Christ councils,

“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

“By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

You will notice that he gave an example with this commandment: ‘as I have loved you.’ He set the example of love for us. How did he love others? He sat children on his knee. He healed the hurting and comforted those that were sad or afraid. He put others’ needs before his own.

So we can love our families more completely as we follow his example. We can take time out of our busy schedules to take our children in our laps and tell them we love them. We can take care of our family members when they get sick. We can cheer up the sad and sooth the troubled soul. Essentially, loving our family is putting their needs ahead of our own.

The beautiful part is that when we make this a habit in our homes, we will have a greater capacity to love others outside our home. With that love we will learn to love God even more. 

Next week: Family virtues – Honesty

Learning from Children

Left to Right: Nathan, Caityln,
Samantha (cousin) and Hailey (cousin)

Kids teach some great lessons about life. I also learn a lot about God through my relationship with my kids. Below are a few stories and what I learned through those stories.  

Love

Our little girl has a big heart. When her brother fell and scraped his knee, she would run to her brother and ask him if he was OK, help him up and give him a big hug to help him calm down. She does it because she loves him, not because she has to. Other times she will sit with her brothers and look at books with them, not because she has to but because she wants to.

Our two younger boys are can be quite loving too. For no reason at all they will walk up to each other and give each other a big hug, grinning ear to ear. They will frequently run to me when I get home from work and yell, “Daddy, Daddy!” with arms wide open. They give me a squeeze and smile, just to say they love me and missed me.

Patience

Children are a huge tutorial in patience. Not that they are always patient, but they require patience.

Patience is learned when you know it will take twice as long to eat when the toddler is holding the fork, but they need to practice. Patience is required to let your three year old take his turn brushing his teeth so he develops the habits, even though you will need to take a turn so his teeth actually get clean. Patience comes from watching your five year old brush her hair, even though she may take ten minutes on one spot and think she is done.

Patience really comes when you realize the joy in seeing them each succeed at learning new skills. Kids help you put life into perspective. The kids are far more important than the mess, the technique or the completeness of the job. They will accomplish more when we love them through it all and show it.

Forgiveness

Unfortunately, I have not always shown my love and been completely patient with my children.

One evening, I was tired and irritable. I wasn’t in the mood for making big bubbles with our hands as we washed them. I wasn’t willing to wait for my 3 year old to check between each toe for toe jam before he got his pajamas on. I was annoyed with each delay and voiced that annoyance a little louder with each detour. About the time the kids decided it’s time to play hide and seek, rather than get in bed, I lost my temper and wasn’t nice with my words and probably promised punishment I knew I couldn’t follow through with. I left and my daughter was crying. About 5 minutes later, I had calmed down and put things back in perspective and went to apologize to the kids.

Although she reminded me that I should talk nicely, she was quick to return the hug and say “I love you.” I knew she had really forgiven me. When someone comes to me and says “I’m sorry,” I know I should forgive and forget like a little child.  

The activity is not that important as long
as we are doing it together.

Time is Precious

I try to leave my Saturday’s open for family time. I love to be with my kids. When I ask them what they want to do, the suggestions range from wrestling and building with blocks to playing house and reading books. My children are young, so maybe this will change, but the activity is not that important as long as we are doing it together.

Children are Heavenly

I have learned a lot about my relationship with God as I reflect on my relationship with my kids. I know many times how my child will react to something, before I ever tell them. I know some news will be hard to accept, i.e. “It’s bed time.” As their father, I know what they need and I will help them get what they need, but I want them to put forth effort too.

 My Heavenly Father knows me perfectly and knows how I will react, and he has placed growing opportunities in my path, so I can grow. He won’t give me a trial I can’t handle. Even when we are facing a difficult trial, he is ready to help us get through if we turn to him in faith.

My kids teach me many more things, but these are a few things that help me understand what Christ meant when he said, “Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:4) Or what Paul meant when he told the Corinthians, “Brethren, be not children in understanding: howbeit in malice be ye children, but in understanding be men.” (1Corinthians 14:20)

Next week: Family Virtues – Love