Practicing Patience

The key to patience is perspective. As we look beyond
our immediate circumstance, we may see that
the clouds are about to part and bring sunshine.

The story of Abraham is the ultimate story of patience. He truly spent his life waiting for the one thing he desired most: children. Abraham was a great man. Having children was a big deal in their culture and especially to a man of God like Abraham. (Our society doesn’t place the same emphasis on having children, especially for women, but I digress.) When they take the time to record that his wife was barren, you have to believe it was a big blow for Abraham and his wife, especially for such a detail to last in the records for thousands of years.

Then we read in Genesis chapter 11 that Abram (this is before the name change), who was now 75 years old, was promised that God would make out of him a great nation. And God would make Abram’s name great.

It seems to me that Abraham would understand this to mean he would be given children. You can’t have a great nation of two. And to make your name great – in a day without celebrities, social media or newspapers – meant having at least some children to carry on that name as they changed the world around them.

Then after Abraham travels to Canaan, he again is told more directly that this land would be given to his posterity. They weren’t immediately given children though. They had to go to Egypt for a few years to escape a famine in the land and then when they got back, Sarah was still barren. Abraham still didn’t lose faith, and the Lord continued to give him assurances that he would have children.  

After many more years and a son name Ishmael through Hagar, the Lord again comes to Abraham and tells him he would have posterity through Sarah. Abraham marveled (when it says he laughed in his heart, I think that means he was happy. I don’t think a man like Abraham would have laughed at God) at this since he was 100 years old and Sarah was 90.

Finally the great day came, and Abraham was given a son. Waiting on the Lord to give them a son for 100 years would surely have been trial enough, but then he was commanded to kill him. We know how it turns out, but all those years of trusting in the Lord made it possible for Abraham to endure this greatest trial.

Paul explained it well to the Hebrews.

 “That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises.

 “For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself,

 “Saying, Surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee.

 “And so, after he had patiently endured, he obtained the promise.” (Hebrews 6:12-15)

Paul was trying to teach the people that life will be hard but pushing on in faith and patience is how we get the prize. Patience isn’t idleness. Abraham didn’t sit in a hammock just waiting for the Lord to give him kids. He was continually showing the Lord he was willing to follow Him. Paul was teaching the Hebrews that they needed to be doing good while they waited upon the Lord.

That’s a phrase that’s kind of hard to swallow: waiting upon the Lord. Isaiah used it when he talked about perseverance. (There are other references, but this one communicates the point.)

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31) 

So what does all this have to do with family?

From a parent’s perspective, a lot! I struggle with patience sometimes. I have high expectations for my kids and I want them to be good, even at a young age. So even writing this blog post was difficult since I am constantly falling short on this virtue.

I think the best way to practice patience, and therefore get better at it, is to take a second to put things in perspective. I think Abraham had many nights when he prayed to God, asking about the family he was promised. Abraham didn’t become consumed by his grief because he had perspective. He knew that God could do great things. He also knew that God does things in His own time.

So when you are frustrated or angry that things aren’t turning out like you expected, take a minute to put it into perspective. If you are eagerly keeping the Lord’s commandments, He will bless you in His time and according to his will.

Next week: Gratitude

Dealing with Anger

We may never be able to stop getting angry,
but we don't have to let our anger control us.

I have a question that might seem obvious, but I want you to think about it.

Can you live free from Anger?

Now you might be thinking, “Anger is an emotion and we all feel anger. So the answer is obviously, No.”

To that I say, read the question again and think about it’s really asking. I’ll give you a second to read it again.

The question doesn’t say, “Can you live without anger?” The question is “Can you live free from anger?” meaning “Can you live without being controlled by anger?” To which I would say, Yes you can, and should, live your life without being controlled by anger. But first let’s talk about anger.

What is Anger?

Anger is the emotion we feel when personal boundaries have been violated. This is different for everyone. What makes me mad may not make my wife mad. Anger isn’t really a primary emotion; it’s a reaction to something that has happened that threatens our personal worth, essential needs or basic convictions. We use anger to protect ourselves and it gives us energy to find a solution to the problem. (Many definitions are based on the “Married and Loving It” class manual written by Barbara D. Petty Ph.D and Rev. Terry W. Petty)

What do we do with Anger?

As I mentioned before, anger is energy we create to help us solve a problem. It’s whether we choose to control that energy and use it constructively or not that determines whether or not we make the problem worse or solve it.

Dealing with Anger

There are some basic steps to dealing with Anger and not letting it control you. First, you need to figure out what caused you to get angry. Second you need to figure out a solution. And third you need to forgive.

Figuring out what got you angry in the first place can be kind of tricky. Most people will say something like, you hit me so I am mad at you. Anger was actually triggered by the violation of a personal boundary and an attempt to preserve an essential need (safety). When you can boil it down to what really caused you to get angry, you will be much more likely to resolve and forgive. If you start by blaming, you will associate the negative feeling with the person, and that makes it much harder to forgive.

The second part is finding a solution. This means you need to address the problem, not suppress it, become aggressive, or manipulative to those involved. Good anger resolution comes from assertively, yet positively expressing your anger. This takes a lot of self-discipline, but ultimately helps you come to a positive solution. There are times when there isn’t anything you can do about it, which brings us to forgiveness.

In order to forgive, you need to step out of your shoes and into the other person’s shoes. You have to recognize your own limitations and imperfections. You need to decide that your anger won’t hold you down, and you are going to forgive the other person.

When I discussed this topic with my brothers, sisters and friends a few years ago, some of them asked about righteous anger. Most of us probably consider righteous anger as justified anger (don’t we all feel justified when we are angry?). The example cited was Christ throwing out the money changers from the temple. You could also say that God wasn’t really happy with Israelites many times, he was wroth with them. This is my answer to that.

Righteous anger is hard, as humans, to control. It can quickly just turn into anger. Anger clouds our vision and perspective. To be free of anger doesn't mean that the emotion doesn't exist, it means that we are not controlled by it. Finding the source of the anger, dealing with it and then moving on, like the Savior would do is the ultimate goal. Did the Savior use some force to address the problem? Yes. It must have been necessary, because he didn’t make any mistakes (he also had a much better understanding of the situation than we do). But didn’t he also forgive everyone, even paying the price for the sins they committed? He never lost control and he always loved and was willing to forgive.

As Husband and Wife and as Father and Mother, we set the example for our family. We need to learn to control our anger before we can expect it from someone else. If we can help each other and keep working on solutions, while forgiving one another, we will strengthen our marriages and families.

Next week: Practicing Patience

Listening to Each Other

Resolving conflict takes more than a hug and,
"I'm sorry." You must listen to each other.

During one of my psychology classes in college, we had to read about a research study on happy marriage

relationships. The one claim that stood out to me, and irritated me for a long time, was that communication wasn’t necessary for a happy marriage. The researcher sited a couple that had been married for more than 50 years, and both described their relationship as being happy. The researcher observed that the couple didn’t talk very much and they acknowledged that they never held really long discussions.

What bothered me about this conclusion was the inference that all communication must come from the mouth. We say a lot with body language. I know pretty quickly after I walk in the door what kind of day my wife and kids are having, even if no one is talking or telling me about the day.

Especially when it comes to expressing feelings, not everyone does it through poems or elaborate orations. Some people just want to be close, while others want to buy things for the people they love. In a future post I want to discuss this more, but for now I think most of us know someone, or many people, that have a hard time expressing their feelings.

If you are married to someone like that, you have to listen a lot more closely.

When it’s hard to listen

I’d like to focus on when it’s hard to listen. Most of us are very happy listening to our spouse or kids when they are happy and sharing their love for us. It’s a lot more difficult to really listen when there is an argument. Just like muscles, relationships get stronger when we work through the struggles. Here are some rules for discussing problems. (I got these from a marriage class my wife and I took through the University of Idaho Extension. This is not the full list, just some highlights.)

·         Decide on a time and place to talk. Don’t begin until you both feel ready. However, the conversation may not happen if you don’t set a time, so have a goal you both will agree to keep.

·         Stay on Topic. If needed, write down your points of view and keep them in front of you. Bringing up the past will only open old wounds and destroy trust. If it doesn’t directly apply to the topic at hand, leave it for another discussion.

·         Don’t use violence, threaten, or use offensive language. All of these are tactics to belittle and hurt the other person. If resolution is what you are after, force isn’t going to get you there.

·         Seek to understand instead of argue. This requires you to listen and try to understand their point of view. Don’t plan your rebuttal while your spouse is talking. Give her a chance to speak and pay attention to what she has to say.

When it’s hard to talk

I want to expand the first point a little farther. Expressing how one feels is not easy for some people. For various reasons, some people have a hard time opening up. As a partner in your relationship, it’s important that you share what hurts as well as what feels good. I’m not talking about playing the blame game. I mean stating how you have been affected by something that happened. For example: It hurt my feelings that you decided to go play golf with your friend instead of helping me clean the garage.

You may need to do what Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, psychologist and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great suggests. Get in the habit of taking 10 minutes to talk to each other about things other than work, family, what needs to get done or the relationship. This will help strengthen your marriage and your communication skills so you will be better prepared to talk during the hard times.

It’s important to talk when you are hurt because the other person may not even know what’s bothering you. What’s obvious to you may not even be considered relevant to the other person. I can’t change if I don’t know what I did wrong. Since we all come from different backgrounds, you can’t assume that everyone knows what’s appropriate or “right” in a marriage.

Sometimes you don’t want to hear what the other person is saying, and sometime you are worried about sharing something that is bothering you. But it’s in these difficult times that we grow stronger as individuals and as couples.

If you can listen to the problem, you might be part of the solution.

Next week: Dealing with Anger

Building a Stable Home

While I was dating my future wife in college, and our relationship progressed toward marriage, I started

Life is tough, but with a stable home, kids
can learn from those bumps.

thinking about the future. I had seen many marriages end in divorce and I didn’t want that to happen to me and my future family. So I asked for advice from a man I respected, whom I knew had been happily married for longer than I had been alive, and had successfully navigated financial, health and emotional struggles with his wife.

“So dad, how did you know you should marry mom?” I asked one evening. “What was it about her that convinced you she would be a lasting companion for you.”

“One thing I really respected about your mom was her emotional stability,” he responded. “I knew we needed that in our home.”

He also said that she had strengths where he had weaknesses, and vice versa. Like complementary colors, their strengths and weaknesses helped to create a stable home for me and my 9 siblings. Coincidentally, it was when I realized that my wife’s strengths would help strengthen my weaknesses that I knew I wanted to marry her.

Parental Balance

 In the years that followed, I learned that in order to make a stable home, it’s not enough to completely divide duties based on existing strengths. Sure it would be easy to say, ‘you are so good at cleaning the dishes, much better than me, so I’ll let you do it.’ Or one might be tempted to say, ‘I’m much better with the money, I’ll balance the checkbook and let you know what we can spend.’

Balance doesn’t come from conceding or taking control because of strengths, it comes as those with strength help the other develop strength. When we help someone grow, we grow too.

Another quick story, one day my dad was trying to get all our camping stuff to fit on a newly built shelf. We had more stuff than shelf and my dad and I were trying to figure out the puzzle. (Actually, I was more watching and providing moral support rather than moving anything, but I digress.) My dad is very analytical and thorough in his thought process. Even though his hands weren’t moving, I could see his mind working with the shapes and trying to figure out a solution. 

After some time, my mom came out and asked how it was going. After a brief explanation of little hope of getting all the stuff to fit, my mom suggested something obvious. My dad responded that he had tried it and even went through the trouble of trying it again while she stood there, explaining the problem that still remained. My mom was gifted with thinking outside the box and suggested something that I was sure wouldn’t work. I dismissed it and almost said as much but then my dad made a comment that showed he actually considered it. This led to him eventually figuring out how to solve his problem. 

I can’t tell you how many times I saw this happen but the pattern was consistent. Here is the simple pattern:

·         Dad analyzed the situation, worked on a problem (His strength).

·         If unsuccessful, mom would join and offer a solution, sometimes before fully understanding the problem (mother of 10, you can imagine she didn’t have time to look at every angle before needing to find a solution).

·         Dad respectfully acknowledged her suggestion, explained more details and continued to think about the problem.

·         Mom would help him think of another solution, one perhaps he wouldn’t have thought of because she took a different approach (her strength).

·         Dad and mom came to a good conclusion that solved the problem.

This seems easy, but I know practice is harder. Consider the frustration when a problem you have been working on seems insurmountable. Then to have someone, even a spouse, come and offer a solution that’s obvious. It’s easier to vent frustration at that person then to acknowledge their desire to help you. However, when we treat others with respect and love, we keep things in perspective and find solutions. Another reason we need to help each other improve is because the one with the strength may not always be around. When it’s dad’s duty to put the kids to bed because mom is not home, mom’s patience won’t help. Dad needs his own patience.

Effects of a Stable Home

Have you ever watched a movie that was constantly changing main characters? If you have you probably don’t remember what the movie was trying to convey, or have any attachment to any of the characters.

Or have you ever worked for a person that always changed the standards by which you were measured or the goals you were working for? If so, you probably found it hard to succeed because of the fluctuation of circumstances in your work.

So it’s not hard to imagine why divorce and uninvolved, inconsistent parents make it hard for kids to grow up to be committed, responsible adults.

Claire Kamp Dush, assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University, authored a study evaluating the development of kids in single and married homes. She found that kids who grew up in stable homes, married or single, fared better than kids that had unstable home lives. Even behavior problems were significantly less for kids in stable homes than unstable homes, regardless of race. Kamp Dush said that cognitive stimulation and emotional support were the only consistent advantages for children in married stable homes.

I’d say those are important benefits. I also say that it’s hard to establish a stable home when you are relying only on your strengths and weaknesses. You don’t have someone to help you improve and grow.

God gave Adam an help meet. I think that was to help them grow more than it was to help the garden grow. Together they grew and together they raised kids.

Next week: Listening to Each Other