Attitude with Children - The way we speak.

Recently, I’ve been doing a little experiment. But only I knew about it.

Here is the scenario. My kids, in particular my two boys (an almost 4 year old and a 2 year old), don’t always listen when you ask them to do things. Not only is that frustrating, but human nature says, “if that didn’t work, try saying it again, only louder.” I have done that many times and the volume I end up using sometimes is probably kin to shouting. (Let’s be perfectly clear, I never swear or use degrading language.) I start in a conversational tone, “Please pick up your toys.” Then I say it again with a little more volume and a little more body language. “Please PICK UP YOUR TOYS.” Finally, somewhere between a yell and scream while picking them up and putting them in front of their pile of toys on the floor, I exclaim, “PICK UP YOUR TOYS!”

The rest of the night goes about like this: I feel frustrated because I had to raise my voice, while also feeling justifies because the kids still aren’t listening. The kids are noticeably annoyed with me and are less than amiable with any further requests. In general the mood in the house becomes gloomy and testy and we all can’t wait for bed – well, I can’t wait for them to go to bed, and they don’t want to go to bed, but aren’t as interested in staying up since dad has a burr in his saddle.

So that’s how things would go some nights. It isn’t always that way, and sometimes we don’t always get to dinner before that episode would start, but I didn’t like it and I wanted to change what was going on. I thought long and hard about what I could say to motivate my kids to change their behavior. (Who needed to change, Ryan?) I hadn’t come up with a good answer and that only added to my frustration, but I noticed I needed to do something different.

Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.  

So, back to my experiment. I was recently reminded of how a woman got the attention of a room full of rowdy kids, and it wasn’t by yelling, threatening or spanking. I was astonished the first time I saw it – actually, every time I saw it.

She quietly whispered.

I couldn’t hear her, at first, but very soon, all the kids quieted down because they wanted to hear what she was saying. So when I was reminded of this through a talk I heard last Sunday, I decided to try it. 

One morning, my 3 year old was in the blinds. I don’t know how many times we have said not to play in the blinds, but there he was doing it again. It did cross my mind to firmly remind him what we expected, but instead I tried saying as quietly and gently as possible, “Son, please get out of the blinds.” He did it right away! I almost gave him a high five and jumped in the air. (It’s the simple pleasures in life. J)

Another night, my daughter got up out of bed and had a few excuses for why she was out of bed. I didn’t change my position, but everything I said was soft and gentle. She didn’t get up anymore, and wasn’t upset with me when she went back in her room.

This actually works with grown-ups too. This blog talks about the “speak softly” technique. Think about it though, who likes to be yelled at or scolded for mistakes? When you think about how the Savior talked to those that came to him. He was clear direct, but respectful and kind. 

Unfortunately, our kids have picked up on this habit of getting louder to make your point. It may take some time to unlearn the bad habit I was teaching my kids.

I think the main take away is obvious: speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. That usually comes from changing your attitude about the situation. Initially I thought I needed to change their behavior, but I learned that as I changed my behavior, they followed suit.

Next week: Finding answers with God

Family Culture

Each generation must learn who they are,
and then pass on a heritage for the next generation.
What legacy will you pass on?

A friend of mine from New Zealand named Henry Higgins, served a mission in Korea at the same time I did. He was always happy to talk about his Maori heritage. He beamed as he flashed his tongue, chanted the haka, and shared stories from their culture.

As a new missionary, I was also immersing myself in the Korean culture. I was learning about their language, their history, customs and traditions, which all seemed beautiful and wonderful to me. Since I was going to be serving them, I wanted to know a lot about them and I had a great love and respect for their culture. 

At this time, I was struggling with my own identity though. I had seen a few cultures first hand, in Mexico, Guatemala, Hawaii, now Korea, and I started to wonder about my own heritage. Did I have any cool dances passed down from generation to generation? Did I have any neat stories about courage and survival? Did I have a language my ancestors used to communicate their thoughts and feelings? 

Unfortunately, I felt a void and it made me sad.

After a while, I realized that I did have a great heritage (though I don’t think we have any cool dances like the Haka), and I had forgotten it. I do have great stories of survival and courage from ancestors.

I also realized the most important culture I have is not tied to blood lines but the blood of Christ. The gospel culture of rebirth, faith and devotion to God is a culture that has deeply influenced my family. It’s a culture of love, forgiveness and change through our merciful Lord and Redeemer. 

I know about my Christian culture, but how do I pass it along to my kids?

Share it with a Smile
When I asked Henry about the Haka, he smiled and told me about where it came from and what it meant and then offered to show me how to do it. He was often showing others and was happy to do it. Christians have the gospel or “good news,” and we should share it with a smile to our kids. When I tell my kids about the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I want to do it with a smile because of what it means to me. When I explain my reasons for moral and ethical values, I don’t want to pout. I want to gladly explain the reasons I want to live a better life.

Share it with a Song
Music and dance are often outward expressions of cultures around the world. We can put vigor and energy into them that goes beyond simple words. The crescendo in the national anthem stirs my heart and reminds me of my heritage every time I hear it. Similar feelings come when I sing Amazing Grace to my kids at night. My wife and I have set a tradition in our home to sing songs to our kids right before they go to sleep. It’s a nightly reminder of our Christian heritage. The songs I learned growing up became a strength to me when I was afraid, discouraged and struggling. I hope to pass that on to my kids, so they will know where true strength comes from.

Share it with Stories
Every culture I know of has some traditional story about how man was created and the world was formed. Whether it involves tigers or tides, they are passed on from generation to generation. Often they are symbolic of a balance of nature and unseen powers. Older members of the culture feel it a duty to share important events and concepts through stories to the younger generation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard David and Goliath, but I still love that story. I want my children to be very familiar with the Easter story, and many others from the scriptures. As I mentioned in an earlier post, children put themselves in the stories they hear. Tell them good stories from the Christian heritage and they will find the faith they need when they face their own Goliath.

Next week:  Attitude with Children

Involving the Family in Service

Scouts in Twin Falls, Idaho, attach inner tubes to
scrap metal found in the Snake River Canyon,
so it can be floated down the river to a dock.

One Monday night, I wanted to teach my kids about love and showing love through service. At first I wasn’t sure how to make it fun so my 5-, 3- and 1.5-year-old kids would not only understand but enjoy the lesson. I also wanted to make it something we did, not just talk about.

So I told them a story about a little boy named Heber, who got a new red coat. He then gave that coat to a little boy who had no coat at all. When his mom asked about his new red coat, Heber explained what he had done, fearing she would be upset. His mom wasn’t upset but happy he thought to do something to help this other young boy. There is actually a video about it, so we watched the video and talked about the story.

Then each of us cut out four hearts (the 1.5 year old is mostly just going through the motions for the rest of the lesson). I told them that service is a way to show love for others. We are God’s hands when we take time to serve other people. I explained that we should all look for ways to serve each other. When we did service for one of our family members, we would leave a heart for them.

My 5 year old was really excited about this, and she asked for ways to serve immediately. My 3 year old was also very excited and wanted to help too. My daughter asked to make her brother’s bed, read to the youngest and made lunch for me one day. After each act of service, she left a heart. My 3 year old son wanted to help his mom, by putting away her clean socks. He did his best to help make our bed and left a heart for me.

I loved to see the heart in my lunch and on my pillow. I loved to see them excited to help each other. The great part was when the hearts were all given out, they still did service for their family. The simple activity helped them enjoy service and they started to look for ways to serve.  

Any time someone goes out of their way to serve someone else and does it out of love, I believe God gives him or her an increase in love. 2 Timothy 1:6-7

Metal is pulled out of the river at the dock
and taken to a junk yard.

God also gives other blessings when we serve, including knowledge and understanding. Over the years, I have learned how to love orphans, quilt, reroof a house, use a chainsaw, build tables, and float trash metal out of a canyon through service projects. I also learned how not to cut a junk car apart on a canyon wall, but that’s a story for another time.

Service gives you understanding as you interact with other people. It gives you hope and helps you forget your struggles. The interesting part is when you serve others, your problems are more manageable; life gains new perspective. It also helps your kids too.

According to the National Service Learning Clearinghouse organization, kids that have parents who help others and encourage their children to help others are “more likely to internalize prosocial values and attitudes and to help others when they grow up, including responsibility, empathy, and caring for others.”

NSLC advocates integrating service into learning curriculum for all ages, kindergarten through college. They also explain the importance that parent’s play in making service a way of life and not just a random act.

“When parents nurture their child’s sense of compassion and commitment toward their community, we build a better world for now and for the future,” the NSLC website continues. “While doing important community work—feeding the hungry, recording oral histories with elders, working for human rights—service-minded families are raising children and teenagers who are more likely to become civically engaged, thoughtful, caring, and generous adults.”

Don’t forget to talk about service afterwards. Share your feelings, and ask your kids how they feel as they serve. This helps them reflect on what they did and gives them a chance to build on the learning they experienced as they served. A nonprofit called Doing Good Together has some resources to aid in reflecting.

I have to agree with Steven Covey, who said,

"Can you imagine anything more energizing, more unifying, more filled with satisfaction than working with members of your family to accomplish something that really makes a difference in the world?"

Next week:  Attitude with Children

Marriage = More than I Do’s

Me on my wedding day. Yes, I can fly.
"When you are the wind beneath my wings."

One night, after my wife and I had a disagreement, I came to an important realization: It doesn’t matter who started it or is at fault, I need to say, “I’m sorry.” This little nugget, though hard to follow at times, has helped us get through many problems. I find it really easy to feel justified in my cause and ready to stand up for myself, only to find out that I am standing in the way of progress in our relationship.

At marriage we often think of the wonderful times ahead. Not all wedding vows are the same, but I imagine most of them have a couple phrases in there about sticking together in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth. When push comes to shove, sickness, poverty and other common problems tend to strain marital bonds and even break some.

My wife and I have only been married for seven and a half years. I am well aware I am not qualified to give marital advice. So I will start by saying I am leaning on the experience and wisdom of a man I greatly admire, Gordon B. Hinckley. I have quoted him before, and I think his book, “Standing For Something” is very useful, especially in our current times. (I am not affiliated or reimbursed for mentioning his book, it’s just really good.)

Mr. Hinckley outlines four cornerstones to a strong marriage, the explanations are my own. Marriage is the foundation for the family, so strengthening marriage will strengthen the family.

1. Mutual respect and loyalty to one another

I don’t know too many people that would disagree with this principle in theory. The practice is a little more difficult to agree on, especially in the heat of the moment. Do you belittle the other when you disagree with each other? Do you push a button because you know it will upset him/her? Do you vent frustrations with friends or family after an argument? Do you discount their opinion because they don’t know as much as you? Do you hold a grudge against your spouse for past arguments or deeds?

Each of those questions is either an aspect of respect or loyalty, or both. And our kids will follow suit. If parent’s have genuine respect for each other and are loyal to each other, they will know how to act in their marriage and with their parents. Saying I’m sorry, means I respect you enough to admit I was wrong. It also shows that you are loyal to the vows you made at the wedding ceremony.

2. The soft answer
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

When two people get to know each other, they learn a lot about what will really upset the other. I wish every couple resolved never to use this knowledge against each other. Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek. This is very applicable in marriage. Saying I’m sorry, instead of trying to win the argument, will allow tempers to settle and resolution become more feasible. It’s hard to work out a solution when you’re on the offensive.

3. Financial Honesty

Finances are a personal matter and each couple needs to agree on how they will handle finances for their family. Once they agree, they both need to adhere to that plan. Money can be a devastating thing in a marriage. When managed and put in perspective, it is a necessary tool in life.

4. Prayer

I have always treated my marriage as a three-way covenant between God, my wife and me. When God is an integral part of each day, as an individual and as a couple, you forge an even stronger bond as husband and wife. Pray for guidance, pray for help, pray for forgiveness, and combine your faith in Christ to stay happily married.

Mr. Hinckley shared the following quote in an article in 1999.

“Cherish your spouse as the greatest possession of your life and treat him or her accordingly. Make it your constant goal to add to the happiness and comfort for your companion. Never permit yourself to let down in your affection, or your respect, or your faith in one another. Be excellent in every way.”

This is a poem I thought I would share. I wrote it for my wife just a couple months after we got married. It’s still true and I expect it will always be true, because I want to cherish her forever.

No sunset's glory, nor day dawn's view,

Could match the majesty found in you.

Every thoughtless glance in my direction,

Seems, with my heart, to make connection.

Your every wish is to me a command,

For I would risk it all to win your hand.

Even when we are miles apart,

You will always be in my heart.

Blissful laughter, abounding love and care,

Are some of the reasons for the love we share.

Next week:  Involving the family in service